I just got back from a run, and Harlee's still napping with Justin so it's a good time to write. I ran 3 miles straight for the first time this year. I've just been doing 2 miles at a time, which is great anyway, but I'm always looking to improve! 3 miles in 31 minutes. Not bad! And it felt great. I'm sooooo glad I decided to get into running. I guess it's Harlee's fault - I knew I needed to exercise but finding the time for it with a little guy was hard. I had a jogging stroller and a neighborhood laid out nicely like a track, so I decided I better figure out how to run, because that was going to be my only mode of exercise. Now here I am, Harlee's going on 2, and I've started personal training twice a week, been running at least twice a week, usually three, and spinning once a week. I have met goal after goal after goal. I actually went swim suit shopping yesterday, and ENJOYED it! (And no, not JUST because swimwear was half off at Old Navy yesterday, though I did enjoy that too!)
As I was running and I passed up my usual stopping point on West Mill Street and kept going, I thought about all the progress I've made and how far I've come. I'm so grateful I've pushed myself this far. I came from a pit of doom after Harlee was born and rose from the ashes, and it's been an incredible experience. From making that original decision to seek therapy a year and a half ago, to finding that last ounce of determination in my depressed spirit to pick up the pieces and heal naturally, to pressing forward, changing my outlook on life, learning how to not stress out about stuff so much, learning to trust outcomes, to find the silver linings and the bright sides to all situations, to appreciate the little things in life, to be humble, to be respectful of nature's turbulence and tranquility, and to ride the current wherever it takes me, rather than fighting against it.
Running and exercising gets the endorphins pumping through me that keep me in that state of mind. I cheered for myself in my head as I passed my usual stopping point, I took in the sound of the wind in the trees, the birds chirping, the water running in the creeks I passed. I breathed in the scent of blooming honeysuckle (ooohhh that right there could have been worth the run alone!), and as I took off down a hill I got a big goofy grin on my face as the wind blew past me and I ran under the shade of the trees along the road and recharged.... and I realized, THIS is my drug. I was on natural antidepressants before (St. John's Wort), and I haven't needed to take it in over three months. I've healed myself, and that's one of the most rewarding feelings I think I've ever felt.
And I have Harlee to thank for all this. Last year this time, I was in the throws of planning a huge 1-year birthday bash for the kiddo, and I realized I was going all out with homemade decorations and party favors because it took my mind off of the fact that his birthday was also the anniversary of the worst day of my life. It kept me from feeling guilty about that, too. Now, here I am, a year later, and I hold a strong sense of gratitude in my heart for that horrible day. I am a new person because of it. Brighter, stronger, and humbler, and I wouldn't want to be any other way. I would have never gotten here if it hadn't been for that day, if it hadn't been for my son, and I'm so grateful for the lesson, for the growth, and for this new-found joy.
A quote I got from my new therapist sticks out in my mind right now: "Ironically, gratitude's most powerful mysteries are often revealed when we are struggling in the midst of personal turmoil." - Sarah Ban Breathnach.
So true.
I collapsed in the grass when I got back to my house. My breathing had become loud and heavy, my whole body felt like it weighed another hundred pounds, and my tibialis anterior muscle and my knee really appreciated the break when I stopped (gonna have to work on that!). I watched the sun catch in the leaves of our tulip tree and just appreciated everything. I appreciated that this is my yard, in small-town southern Illinois, that this my home here in the midwest, that I got married to a guy whose roots are here, that I had a child before I thought I was ready, all this stuff that I didn't want five years ago. I so appreciate it. Not to mention that guy and that child are some pretty spectacular people. I own a business that is flourishing and gives me a great sense of pride as I help so many people, I have some really awesome friends in my life who are all so very different and special and have so much greatness to offer the world, and I'm probably the healthiest I've been in, well, my whole life!
Life is good.
I hope you're all having a fabulous Memorial Day weekend. If you get the chance, do something that pushes your mind or body to its limits, or beyond, and then just collapse in the grass and soak up the earth's energy and review all the great things in your life that you love and appreciate. Then carry that feeling with you for as long as you can savor it. It's quite wonderful :)
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| My view from the ground |
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