The Power of Gratitude

Well, here I am again, it's been over a MONTH since I've blogged.  A MONTH.  That is unacceptable.  Okay fine I guess it has to be acceptable, because it happened.  But here I am, so let's do this.

I had a whole idea about Halloween to blog about (we had the best Halloween yet, by the way, it was SO much fun!) and never got to it.  Then I had this post that I wanted to write before Thanksgiving and never did.  But what can I say?  I'm living life.  Running a business, being part of a family - those two things in themselves are time consuming.  But it's a good thing to have that problem!  Life is definitely good right now.

Which brings me to this topic.  Gratitude.  I wanted to write about it before Thanksgiving, but really it reigns true throughout the year, throughout all of life, so anytime is a good time to talk about this.  But since I like to be all theme-y, I guess technically it's still within a week of Thanksgiving so I'm good, right? :)

This is SO TRUE.  This quote says it all.

Story time!

Granny would always  make comments about how I live a "charmed life".  She would ALWAYS say that.  And she's right, things have always sort of worked out for me.

My dad kind of set that foundation for me.  He got me started in life with the awareness that a positive attitude attracts positive things into life.  And I found it to be true.  But don't just think positive thoughts - BELIEVE them. And a step further from there, live as though you've already received what you're asking for.

And be thankful for it.  Be grateful.  Stop and honor what you've been given in your life, and more good will come.  More things will happen to you thank you can be grateful for.

And not just all the good things.  It's one thing to say "I'm grateful for my spouse.  I'm grateful for my kids.  I'm grateful for the roof over my head, the clothes on my back and the food on my table."  Finding silver linings in bad things and finding ways to be grateful for those can make a HUGE impact on your overall life and well-being.  I ALWAYS reflect on my gratitude for my learning experiences.  Yes, I agree with Granny that I've lived a charmed life, but it hasn't been perfect by any means.  But for that, I am grateful.  Here's why.

This post ties in with my post about The Other Side of Hardship, Depression, Pain, and Trauma.  But I'm going to dig a little deeper - perhaps you'll be able to relate to some of these experiences, or they'll help you to reflect on your own and find your own gratitude.

My first love (yes, we were only in like 8th grade but teenagers know what love is.  Granted, it's not the same when you're in your 20's, or 30's, or 70's, but it's love.  Just throwing that out there.) broke it to me that he was gay and it crushed my poor little teenage heart.  It was a huge struggle for both of us - him with his confusion and realizing he may have to face a lifetime of persecution just to be happy, and me having to come to terms that we can't be together, and I have to be open-minded and accepting of his lifestyle, which was completely foreign to me.

I learned to love and accept people.  If it weren't for him I wouldn't be as open and accepting and understanding as I am today.  Everyone has a journey.  Everyone has a story.  Everyone has battles.  I accept everyone for them, no matter who they are or what they're battling, or if it even makes any sense to me.  For that I am grateful.

I've been stabbed in the back, and nearly lost a job over it.  I had to learn not to harbor anger and resentment.  Life ended up working out for the better for me, as life usually does when struggles arise.  For that I am grateful.  It taught me to be cautious with my trust. Sometimes maybe a little too cautious... And I also had to learn forgiveness.  That's a hard lesson to learn.  But for that, I am grateful.

I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship, without even realizing it.  I was trapped for nearly two years, unable to see what it was doing to me.  I finally got out of it, and realized the importance of protecting my emotions and listening to my heart.  I had a bad feeling about it the whole time, I just never tuned in and listened and instead made excuses.  I know better.  I tune into my gut instincts, and I've developed my ability to understand what my heart is telling me.  For that I am grateful.

I've been the victim of huge misunderstandings founded in jealousy, close-mindedness, and lack of empathy or flexibility or willingness to change or stretch.  Another lesson in forgiveness, and a reminder that everyone has inner demons and personal weaknesses.  I can choose to either get sucked in with them, or let them travel their own journey.  I have the choice.  For that I am grateful.

I've fallen in love with someone still battling inner demons.  I was about to leave when a good friend gave me some sage advice that has stuck with me to this day, and I will share it with you:

"When you pray, what do you ask for?  What kind of person do you want to be?  What kind of qualities or characteristics do you want God to give you?"

And I thought about it and then said, "Patience, strength, courage..."

To which she said,

"Isn't that what you're getting from this experience by being with him? Isn't that the kind of lessons he's brought into your life?"

God (or Universe, or Spirit, or Source, whatever you want to call it) can't just GIVE you the qualities you want in yourself.  You have to earn them and develop them.  That's what you're here for!

I went back with patience in my heart and a new readiness to forgive and give it one more chance.  We both were willing to put in the work, which we did, and we made it through, stronger and more connected than ever before, and we're married today!  For those hardships, for his personal battles and how they affected us, I am grateful.  And he's amazing - through all of that, he grew in his own strengths - patience, forgiveness, understanding, and perseverance.  For that, I am very grateful.

I poured my heart and soul into my desire for a home birth with Harlee, who resulted in a hospital transfer and c-section, followed by the darkest days I've ever experienced in my life.  It left me questioning if my "charmed life" was all just a sick joke played by the Universe.  That there's no such thing as "think positive and positive things will happen."  Even though my entire life has proven otherwise.  I lost all faith and trust in everything I once believed in.  That is a very scary place to be.

But I made new friends through my search for support.  I strengthened friendships with people I didn't realize had gone through similar experiences.  I was led to discover fitness, and then healthy eating habits.  My life changed physically and I regained confidence and most of my happiness.  I then "stumbled" (divine intervention at it's finest, I like to believe) upon a therapist who led me even further into my journey of self-discovery.  I grew stronger.  I developed awareness, stronger consciousness, and I was more "tuned in" to myself and the world around me.

Which, interestingly enough, is everything I wanted before.  I used to want more awareness, higher consciousness, and connectedness.

The sage advice my friend gave me came around again.

I earned those characteristics and strengths.

And so, for the trauma of Harlee's birth and the darkness that followed, I am SO grateful.  Eternally grateful.  I could cry just thinking about how grateful I am.  I never EVER thought I'd be saying that when I was in the midst of the darkness.  But it's restored my faith in life and the Universe, that EVERYTHING happens for a reason.  And the worst of things that happen, if you handle them properly, can turn into the best learning experiences you'll ever get in this life.  And the person you can become when you rise from the ashes is more amazing than you ever dreamed you could be.

For my friend's advice that stuck with me, I am grateful.

For the people that came into my life "by chance" when I needed them most, I am grateful.

For my restored faith in the Universe, and my trust that good things happen when you think positive, I am grateful.  But also for the realization that you do get what you ask for, but sometimes you have to put in the work too which can turn out to be pretty difficult, I am definitely grateful.

Gratitude.  It's huge.  It's what makes the who positive attitude "Law of Attraction" thing work.

Now, every day I express gratitude.  Especially for the little obstacles that later unveil their reason for happening (which is always SO cool).  Like the other morning, I was about to head out the door when Harlee said something that reminded me I forgot something inside.  I felt gratitude for Harlee's comment. I went inside to get it and realized I left the fireplace on.  "Yikes, that could have been bad!" I thought.  I took a moment to feel gratitude for the fact that I forgot something that required me to come back inside and see that I needed to turn the fireplace off.  Call it a guardian angel, call it God's protection, call it coincidence, but I call it the law of attraction in action.  The more gratitude I express, the more things come into my life to be grateful for.

Try it!  What are you grateful for?  Of course you're grateful for your family and friends, your job and your home and your well-being.  But stop and think about where you've been in this life.  Everything that happened to you that brought you to where you are today.  Who are you because of it all?  How was your life made better because of the things that once made it worse?  Life is filled with learning experiences and opportunities to make the rest of your life absolutely incredible.  Seize them with gratitude and enjoy the ride!

Breastfeeding: A Love-Hate Relationship

While I'm on the subject of TMI (did you read my last post about yeast infections? lovely...) and now that my breastfeeding days have drawn to a close, I've decided to talk about it.  I want to share my honesty, as well as personal advice for other BF mamas.  If you're a hardcore breastfeeding advocate, you may not like this post a whole lot, but I encourage you to read it regardless.

I want to talk both about the emotional aspects and the physical aspects of breastfeeding.  I'll start with physical.  I don't know enough about it to give much in-depth advice, believe it or not, but I'll cover what I do know here, so if I miss something you'd like more information about then get in touch with a lactation counselor, or check out La Leche League either online or find your local group, or KellyMom.com has good info too.

Breastfeeding has, thankfully, been easy for me.  Which is why I haven't done a whole lot of research on it - it's just something that came naturally.  I can imagine how devastating it must be for moms who can't or who struggle - it seems as though their emotions somewhat match the emotions I had after my c-section with Harlee and I was left feeling broken and defective.  You feel like you failed yourself and you failed your child and everyone looks at you as a failure.  I honestly don't believe ALL women can do it.  Difficulty is something women faced throughout history.  Ever heard of a wet nurse?  She's a breastfeeding mom who nurses the child of a mom who couldn't do it.  I don't know what the reasons are for not being able to, but if you're one of those women, it's okay.  You're not defective.  Of the women who were unsuccessful, however, I do believe a lot of them could have done it with a proper support team and the proper information provided to them.  Which is another reason to get in touch with a lactation counselor or La Leche League.  If you're relying on a breastfeeding class provided by your hospital, you're probably not going to get a whole lot, sorry.

Like I said, I've had a pretty smooth breastfeeding experience.  With Harlee I didn't have much of a clientele built up at work so I was able to leave him for short periods of time with my mom or grandma and come back to feed him without needing to pump in between.  I'd still pump just to make sure I was producing extra in the event I did need to leave him longer, but otherwise this set-up worked well.

Breastfeeding is a supply-and-demand kind of thing.  If there isn't a demand, your body will supply less and less.  If there's more of a demand, your body will do what it can to keep up, provided you're well hydrated, healthy, and other factors like stress or illness or medication don't hinder you.  Nursing the baby directly produces more than just strictly pumping, too.

When both my boys were born, I felt like I was producing enough to keep up with quadruplets.  It was crazy.  Within a month or so it regulated, though, and I wasn't feeling constantly engorged nor was I drowning them every time they ate.

With Elliot I was at work a lot more than I was with Harlee, so I pumped more regularly.  It's definitely been a different experience.  I had to make sure I scheduled time between every two-three clients to sit and pump so I could keep my supply up.

I noticed when I started working out a lot more intensely that my supply seemed to start waning, and I was getting a bit nervous about it.  Then one day at personal training I got a charley horse in my leg and I suddenly remembered I had been forgetting to take my salt sole in the morning!  I started taking it again and that day and all the days following my milk supply increased more and more too - I'm definitely thinking there's a connection!  Yet another amazing benefit of balanced trace minerals in the body...

More Ways to Increase Supply

Salt Sole, which I mentioned above.

Fennel essential oil, which I used with success.  I diluted it with coconut oil and rubbed it on topically.

Mother's Milk tea is also a good option, but I'm not an avid tea drinker enough to be able to say whether I think that works for me or not.  It's worked for other moms though.

Fenugreek supplements are another good option, which is the primary component of the mother's milk tea.  I can't speak from personal experience, but I do know a few moms who took this with success.

How To Decrease Supply 

Peppermint essential oil.  It works like a charm.  I'll share the story about my final days of breastfeeding Elliot below, but basically the last couple days I was feeling slightly engorged as my body was still trying to keep up with night feedings, which weren't happening anymore.  I diluted some peppermint oil with coconut oil and rubbed it on where it was the sorest, and within minutes I was feeling relief.  That stuff will dry you up, so if you don't want that, then avoid it.

The Good...

Breastfeeding has some incredible health benefits for you and your child, and gives them such a great start to life.  There's no way I, personally, would have chosen not to do it.  You're passing along your antibodies to support your baby's developing immune system, as well as providing them with complete nutrition and beneficial fats, carbohydrates, and proteins to help them grow and develop.  There are a lot of good formulas on the market, but nothing holds a candle to the power of real breastmilk.

If you do need a good formula, I recommend Nature's One Baby's Only Organic Formula. A friend of mine told me about it, which she used for her baby, and I looked into it myself.  They promote it as a toddler formula because they encourage breastfeeding for the first year, but according to the company it can be used for infants and babies.  I really think this is one of the best products out there.  Please don't just feed your baby anything if you find you can't breastfeed.  That first year of their life is SO important as they develop, so nourishing them properly is HUGE.  Food is medicine, people.  I will say that over and over and over.  Feed your new developing baby the best, and give them the best start in life that you can.  They're fully dependent on you for that.

The Bad...

Now let's talk about the emotional aspect.  Sometimes (or most times) I can totally see why people choose not too.

'Cause at the same time as it's wonderful, it also kinda sucks.

This is just my personal opinion about it.  Not everyone thinks it sucks.  A lot of people absolutely LOVE it.  And I did have a lot of moments when I held my sweet little guy, feeding him with the nourishment that I produced, that MY body made for him, and was mystified by that bond and how incredible this experience actually is.  It's pretty amazing when you think about it. But that was only hit or miss in the comfort of my home.

There's still mixed feelings out there on the subject of nursing in public, and I like to respect the fact that it does make some people uncomfortable, so I'd either try to do it in private or I'd cover up (unless we're friends or relatives, in which case get over it :-)).  So that meant when my baby was hungry, I was either sitting all alone with him in an out-of-sight area feeling completely secluded and anti-social, or I'd be covered up and he's hot and uncomfortable and can't eat steadily and ends up causing me discomfort and then he's crabby and then I'm crabby and it just goes downhill from there.  Can't really win.

Then there's my husband, who meant well, but seemed to think that any time Harlee or Elliot was cranky or fussy that I should "give him some boob" (yeah that's the kind of crude language we use, don't judge! :-)).  Which means I'm expected to stop what I'm doing to see if that's what he really does want, and then I'm enslaved to the couch or wherever I happen to land with him.  And I feed on demand, I feel that's best when they're that little, I don't really believe you can "schedule" a baby with something like this.  But that makes things unpredictable.  Sometimes he eats all the time.  Sometimes not.  Do I have time to start laundry or dishes without getting interrupted? Can I have my friends over to work out without having to stop to take a nurse break? Can we go out to eat as a family and I can actually sit and enjoy a meal from beginning to end without at some point having a baby attached to me?

"Oh but it's such a beautiful bonding experience," they say.  "They're so precious, and what a miracle to be able to feed your baby with your own body, what amazing creatures we are!" they say.

Yeah yeah, I just said that a few paragraphs ago.  And yes, I would usually agree with that.  Like going to bed at night and all is quiet and he really is just so precious and we are bonding.  Or when I don't have things to do that I don't want interrupted. Or we're not out in public and I'm not distracted with the thought of "am I offending anyone?"

Once Harlee was on solids, I went down to only nursing him at home - at naptime, right before bed, if he'd wake up in the middle of the night, and first thing in the morning.  It was great, but there were moments when it was more of a nuisance.  And sure, I hear all the statistics of how we're supposed to nurse our babies until at least two, but I'm sorry, there ain't no way :-|.

I know I may risk getting judged for saying that, and I understand because I honestly used to judge people who wouldn't even TRY breastfeeding - I mean I know it's hard but it's sooooo good for your child.  But then a friend of mine voluntarily quit breastfeeding her daughter between 3-5 months (I can't quite remember the actual age).  She was stressed out with pumping at work, trying to balance it with her schedule, and maxed out.  It changed my outlook.  She shouldn't be expected to just suck it up because she's doing what's best for her child - no, in fact, finding ways to reduce stress in her life was what was best for her child, and if it meant breastfeeding had to go, then maybe it was better for her daughter to be on formula than stressed-out breastmilk.  I felt she was doing the right thing.  And I looked at the situation with a more open mind from there on out.

I'd still find myself placing a little judgement on people who didn't even try though.  Until I talked to a few more people and learned that they were just looking ahead realistically - it just wouldn't fit in their work schedule and made more sense if they just didn't even start, rather than risk stressing themselves out over it by trying to make it work.  I believe it's important for babies to have moms with as little stress as they can manage, and being a mom is so stressful it's ridiculous anyway (in my opinion), so I support moms when they recognize stress factors and do what they can to eliminate them.

And now, since being more of a working mom with Elliot than I was with Harlee, I totally saw breastfeeding as being a stressor more so than a joy.

Why didn't I stay at home more, since I have the liberty of making my own schedule?  Because I love my job and wanted to be there.  Being at home too much makes me crazy, which takes us back to the topic of stressed-out moms.  I took two months off after having Elliot.  I was definitely feeling a bit crazed by the end of it.  I wanted to be back in my own familiar environment, doing what I love, and feeling more connected to ME, which happens to be at work.  Some women are cut out to stay at home with their kids, and have the patience for it.  I am not one of those women.

Breastfeeding made me feel confined.  It made me feel stifled.  I don't do well in those kinds of situations.  

Drawing to a Close

I'm proud that I did it.  And I'm grateful that I could do it.  But I was also glad to be done, both times.  Harlee officially stopped nursing at 18 months, and I was glad to be done.  He conveniently started sleeping straight through the night at that point too... interestingly enough...  Elliot actually seemed to prefer solid food over breastmilk, and around 10 months old he started refusing bottles or cups of it when he was with babysitters.  I nursed him inconsistently until he was a year old, then went down to just naptime, bedtime, middle of the night, and upon waking in the morning.  Soon naptime phased out, then a couple of times when I was out late for whatever reason and Justin put him to bed, the bedtime feeding phased out.  He's now 15 months old and I'm no longer nursing him at all, and he's actually sleeping through the night now in his own bed.

The first two nights in a row of this, I started getting slightly engorged, as my body was still used to producing enough to feed him every night.  I was almost tempted to nurse him one last time, as the realization set in that this is it.  I'm done.  I'll never nurse a baby again.  I'll never cradle him in my arms and feed him the nourishment that I made myself, to help him grow, or to comfort him if he's upset.  He's a big boy now.

This was a slightly bittersweet feeling...  As I guess all ends of chapters are.  But definitely more sweet than bitter.  I didn't nurse him one last time.  I like that the relationship ended without me knowing it.  I rubbed the peppermint oil on, and moved forward.

Enjoying his "special" chocolate milk

I do have a lot of expressed milk stored up, which I give him occasionally mixed with almond milk and sometimes a little Barlean's Greens Chocolate Silk (he really doesn't like it plain, trust me, he gets really mad and makes horrible faces), so he's still getting something, but I'm free of the "shackles" that I felt breastfeeding was more often than not.   My stress levels are lower, I feel more like myself, more "normal", which makes me a happier person, and that, in my opinion, is what's most important for my kids.  I have no problem with breastfeeding for as long as you want.  I do have a problem with moms judging other moms about it.  And I do encourage moms to do what makes them the happiest, because that, ultimately, is what's best for their children.  This is how I personally feel about it, and I just wanted to be honest with you, and let you know it's okay to feel however it is you feel about it.  Do what you need to do to make you happy, and your kids will benefit from that.  And that's what makes you a great mom.

The Other Side of Hardship, Depression, Pain, and Trauma

It seems like there is a lot of trouble in many people's lives at the moment.  Have you noticed that?  It's to the point where I kind of just want to hide from the world so as not to disrupt the balance that I actually do have in my life.  Things are just really good right now.  Solid and happy and just plain ol' good.  But sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the whole wide world who can say that.  I'll get caught up in wondering why, and then think, "Uh oh, are we next?"  But I stop myself and remember, no, we already had our turn.  Harlee gave us the gift of pain, of turmoil, of rough waters.  And when I say "gift" I really do mean that, because once we worked through it, the pain and heartache really did turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to us.

This is something I've been wanting to write about for quite some time now.  There have been a few things holding me back though: not being able to get all my thoughts organized and my point across, fear of people thinking I'm weird, and fear of people not understanding me.  I've decided to quit caring what people think of me and just try my best to write this, because it's bound to help someone, even if it's just one person, and that's all that matters.

I've learned so much on my journey of healing after Harlee's birth.  If you don't know my back story, keep reading.  If you do, you can skip down to the next section.  Basically, I was desperately hoping for a homebirth, basically because of my natural outlook on life and desire to live that way, and also because of my fear of hospitals, and I got the exact polar opposite of that - late decels in his heartrate during labor, a trip to the hospital, and an emergency c-section.  I'll never forget the day I sat in the living room with my tiny newborn, watching my husband and midwife deflate the unused birthing pool, realizing all my hopes and dreams and everything I believed in deflated with it.

That's where everything started.  Hopes and dreams deflated and lost; questioning God and the Universe (things I once felt so confident and comfortable with); sleep deprivation with a colicky baby; PTSD from a scary, unwanted major surgery; and depression.  Cold, raw, ugly depression.  Complete with nightmares, intrusive visions, loss of motivation, loss of desire to keep moving forward, anger at loved ones, anger and disgust with myself, uncontrollable outbursts, and loss of all hope in a brighter future.  Not to mention a complete uncertainty of how to get out of this mess.

So, I started going to ICAN meetings - a support group of the International Cesarean Awareness Network which is "a nonprofit organization whose mission is to improve maternal-child health by preventing unnecessary cesareans through education, providing support for cesarean recovery, and promoting Vaginal Birth After Cesarean (VBAC)."  I met some awesome people who had been through what I'd been through and knew the defeat and loss I was feeling.  They guided me toward looking into counseling for further healing.  I began seeing a counselor who specializes in postpartum depression.  I brought Justin with me a few times because our marriage was crumbling under my intense mood swings and his inability to understand what I was going through.  I will, to this day, say that decision saved our marriage and is the reason it is as strong as it is today.  Unfortunately that counselor wasn't exactly who I needed in my life to further my personal healing, but I will say she did catapult me into taking matters into my own hands.  She said my PTSD and postpartum depression were pretty bad, and recommended that maybe I should try getting on a pharmaceutical antidepressant.  I guess she hadn't caught on that I prefer to avoid drugs, and it was medical interventions that got me in this mess in the first place, therefore getting on an antidepressant would kind of defeat the purpose for me.  So I stopped seeing her, and fortunately realized, wow, if I'm in that bad of shape, I really need to do something.  The best things for depression are diet and exercise, and a great supplement to support healthy moods is St. John's Wort.  I wrote a post about depression, click here if you'd like to read more about it as a condition and how to treat it naturally.  So I got on St. John's Wort, started watching what I was eating, and started jogging around the neighborhood with Harlee in the jogging stroller (ok so I started out walking, then kind of awkwardly trotting because I was overweight and sucked at running, then slowly worked my way into what you might consider a jog).  One thing led to another and I discovered the Paleo diet, cut out grains and bad carbs, signed up for personal training, discovered CrossFit, lost weight, felt great, and finally got my life back.  But in the midst of all that, something was still a bit off.  I didn't feel quite balanced yet, or healed from what happened with Harlee's birth.

I believe everything happens for a reason.  I believe in Divine Intervention.  I strongly questioned all of those beliefs after the turn of events with Harlee's birth, but all my questions are gone now.  In the moment I was thinking about going back to counseling because I didn't feel quite right yet, but I wasn't sure if there was a point to it or who I'd even go to, I came across a brochure for a counselor in Kirkwood and I felt a kind of pull when I read it.  I called her up, scheduled an appointment, and, let's just say my healing journey just got real.

She encouraged me to keep a journal and start writing down all of my thoughts and feelings.  That was one of the best things I did for my mental and emotional healing.  I processed my questions, and in my stillness in pondering my questions on paper, I found answers in my heart.  I started piecing things together, not just from Harlee's birth but from my whole life.  Seriously, if you need a good way to process your feelings and thoughts but can't afford or don't have time for a counselor, write it all out in a journal.  Give it a try, it's hugely cathartic.

This went on for about two years.  And then, I felt brave enough to tackle one of my biggest fears - getting pregnant again and facing the unknown of birth.  So I did, and then we miscarried.  And interestingly enough, the healing process after that was pretty smooth.  I knew it happened for a reason, and I accepted that even though I may not understand it now, I'd understand it later, and find gratitude in it.  Then we got pregnant again, and, after a very awesome and empowering pregnancy, I gave birth to Elliot at home (after a long, grueling labor).

Where I'm at Now

Now here I am, nearly 14 months after that event, and I've been happily floating through life without having to dig deeply into my soul or answer existential questions about my presence here like I had been for the past two to three years.

Instead, I've been observing.  I've seen my friends and clients and community go through traumas and losses - death of parents, of children, of friends, of colleagues.  Heart attacks, strokes, cancer, car accidents.  Separations and divorces for an array of different causes.  Losses of jobs and financial security.  Miscarriages, stillbirths.  Rapes, suicides.  Near-death experiences with long roads of recovery.  So much trauma and pain.  And more and more people are opening up about depression.  Asking me for advice on how to heal, where to go from here.

And all I can think for you, if you fit in one of the aforementioned categories, is, Wow, you are actually really lucky.  Like, you have no idea.

You are so, so lucky.  You don't see it now.  You feel the exact opposite of lucky.  The exact opposite of blessed, of fortunate, of all these things I think of you right now.  You do not see a light at the end of your long, dark, tunnel.  But I do.  I've been down that tunnel.  I've been down in that hole.  And let me tell you the light on the other side is brilliant.  It's beautiful.  And that light is exactly where life is trying to send you.

But it takes work to get to that light.  Probably the hardest work you will ever do in your life.  So much soul searching, so many questions.  But don't give up.  Keep asking questions.  Ask for help.  Be open to answers, to guidance.  You're on a journey - take it one step at a time, one day at a time.

Surrender.  You've hit rock bottom.  There's only one direction to go: up.  Surrender yourself to the Higher Power and let the answers come to you.

Maybe you'll find the perfect book or article with answers.  Maybe you'll meet someone who's got a perfect solution, maybe a new exercise buddy or someone with insight to healthy eating to help you make a lifestyle change.  Maybe you'll come across the perfect counselor or therapist.  Maybe you'll wallow in grief and self-pity until you get so sick of your own self you slap yourself out of it and get in gear to make changes.  Even if the change is something as simple as seeing your doctor to get on a medication.  I know medication isn't for me, but I see no shame in it - if you're taking action to better yourself and your situation, then that's commendable, no matter what you choose.

Stay open and aware.  Be receptive to signs guiding your way.  Think things through before making decisions.  Weigh your options and the consequences that come with your decisions on where to go next.  Be open to the love and support that comes from the people around you, but don't abuse it.  Be humble.  Be gentle.  Be aware.

If you work at this, and find your way up out of that hole, the person you are about to become is someone you never dreamed you'd be.  Someone you never knew you had in you.  The strength inside you is immense, the awareness profound.  Just wait til you get there.  It's amazing.  You're going to learn so much from this.  And if you get there, then you'll understand why I say you're lucky to have hit bottom.

But you can only get there if you are willing to work for it.

Just don't give up.

Someday this will all make sense.  Someday you will be able to look back on these hard times with forgiveness, and perhaps even gratitude.  Because it made you a better and stronger person.  A happier person, living a more fulfilling life.  And you earned it!

Today I look back on all that I went through and I can honestly say I feel grateful for the experience.  I feel like I gained so much insight from it, so much perspective on life, that I never had before.  And I feel stronger and braver, too - if something bad happens, I know that it's for a reason, and I'll get through it and be a better person because of it.  And knowing that makes the bad things seem not as bad.  I still struggle.  I still have fears.  I still have bad days.  But in the grand scheme of things, life is pretty awesome, and it's all because at one point life really really sucked, and I made the decision to heal and grow from it.

And you can do that too.

Depression - Addressing it Naturally

This is a topic I've wanted to talk about for quite some time, especially considering the fact that I've dealt with it first-hand and have interacted with people dealing with it themselves.  It's not a pleasant thing to deal with, and it gets overlooked or not taken seriously enough way too often, in my opinion.  It's complex, too, making it even more difficult to try to address for the person dealing with it.

Supposedly one in 20 Americans are depressed, and about 230 million prescriptions for antidepressants are filled each year.  The depression rates don't seem to be changing though - every year, about 750,000 people attempt suicide, and sadly, about 30,000 of them are successful.

Are these drugs working?  Apparently not, in fact, it seems as though the placebos - the sugar pill - in research seem to work better than the drug itself - both drugs work because of the placebo effect, but the drug itself has adverse reactions.  Ever notice at the end of antidepressant drug commercials that the spokesperson mentions the drug may increase thoughts of suicide?  Why take a drug that could possibly increase your risk of something you're trying to prevent in the first place?

Interestingly enough, psychiatric drugs claim the lives of 42,000 people each year.  Do the math - that's 12,000 more than those who successfully commit suicide because of depression!  That is definitely a problem.

There are a lot of theories out there about what might cause depression, including environmental factors, genetic factors, and physical factors.  Here's an interesting list of  physical causes of depression:

• Nutritional deficiencies
• Lack of exercise
• Lack of sunshine
• Hypothyroidism
• Hyperthyroidism
• Fibromyalgia
• Candida (yeast infection)
• Poor adrenal function
• Other hormonal disorders including:
• Cushing’s Disease (excessive pituitary hormone production)
• Addison’s disease (low adrenal function)
• High levels of parathyroid hormone
• Low levels of pituitary hormones
• Hypoglycemia
• Food Allergies
• Heavy metals (such as mercury, lead, aluminum, cadmium, and thallium)
• Selenium toxicity
• Premenstrual syndrome
• Sleep disturbances
• Dental problems
• TMJ (Temporo Mandibular Joint) Problems
• Infections including:
• AIDS
• Influenza
• Mononucleosis
• Syphilis (late stage)
• Tuberculosis
• Viral hepatitis
• Viral pneumonia
• Medical conditions including:
• Heart problems
• Lung disease
• Diabetes
• Multiple sclerosis
• Rheumatoid arthritis
• Chronic pain
• Chronic inflammation
• Cancer
• Brain tumors
• Head injury
• Multiple sclerosis
• Parkinson’s disease
• Stroke
• Temporal lope epilepsy
• Systemic lupus erythematosus
• Liver disease

• Drugs including:
• Tranquilizers and sedatives
• Antipsychotic drugs
• Amphetamines (withdrawal from)
• Antihistamines
• Beta-blockers
• High blood pressure medications
• Birth control pills
• Anti-inflammatory agents
• Corticosteroids (adrenal hormone agents
• Cimetidine
• Cycloserine (an antibiotic)
• Indomethacin
• Reserpine
• Vinblastine
• Vincristine

That's a lot to take into consideration!  Another interesting factor is genetics, which is still being researched but supposedly genes have been found linking to hereditary depression, but only in the sense that these genes need to be "turned on" or "activated" for the person to actually become depressed.  Meaning, the person may have inherited the gene, but depression will only set in if he or she experiences a trauma or major illness or loss - something to "switch on" the gene.

I've shared my story, or pieces of it, throughout different blog posts here, but to recap, depression hit me after the birth of my first son, Harlee.  It does run in my family, by the way, ranging from chronic sadness and pessimism/defeatist attitudes, to emotional abuse towards loved ones, to successful suicidal attempts, so I take the genetic theory seriously.  In my case I had a lot of physical factors influencing me as well, including poor diet, lack of exercise, hormonal imbalances, candida, adrenal issues, etc.  I was emotionally unstable anyway from the pregnancy, considering I got pregnant way before I was ready to embark on that journey in life, and ended up letting myself get swallowed into my desires to have a natural, out-of-hospital birth experience.  Well, things went the exact opposite of how I had hoped, resulting in an emergency c-section, followed by an extended hospital stay due to a fever that wouldn't leave me alone, followed by taking home a colicky baby that prevented us from ever getting any kind of decent sleep again, and down I was driven into my dark hole of postpartum depression.  I felt like a failure after the birth, I was hormonally compromised from it anyway, I was sleep deprived, I was overweight and not eating right, and I'd say from all that my depression gene got switched "on".  I cried a lot, I had violent thoughts toward myself and my loved ones, I resented and eventually began to feel a level of hatred towards my husband, I had intruding visions of gruesome situations throughout the day, sometimes involuntary and sometimes brought on by simple tasks like using a knife in the kitchen, and it was everything I could do to get through the day.  Luckily I had enough shreds of strength left in me to recognize that I didn't want to be like this, and that I needed help, so I sought out a counselor specializing in postpartum depression and began seeing her on a weekly basis for a few months.  It helped to talk about it, but wasn't really getting me where I thought I needed to be.  I brought Justin in for some couple's therapy, since we were having major issues at home brought on by my crazy hormonal imbalance and his inability to really know what to do with me or how to handle it, and she successfully helped us patch up our problems, making life at home much easier and thus pointing me in the right direction for healing.  Unfortunately the intruding visions weren't leaving me, and when I told her this she suggested maybe I try Zoloft (I think that's the drug she suggested...), which really caught my attention.  Turning to psychiatric drugs was the LAST thing I wanted to do, and if she thought I was bad enough to need them, then I needed to do something quick.  Thank goodness I didn't take her up on the suggestion, now that I've researched how ineffective and potentially harmful they are.  I stopped seeing her and instead started changing different elements of my life.  I took up running with Harlee in the jogging stroller.  I experimented with eating low-carb and in turn discovered Paleo, which led to weight loss and better health overall.  I turned to supplements and remedies to help me along, as well.

Natural Treatments for Depression:

One great supplement is St. John's Wort, which studies have shown may be equally effective as TCAs (tricyclic antidepressants) and SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) antidepressants for mild to moderate depression.  Well, it's definitely worked for me!  It takes a couple of weeks before seeing significant changes, but once it kicked in I began referring to it as my "happy pills", and so did Justin!  Be aware, though, that St. John's Wort can end up having negative effects if taken while on pharmaceutical antidepressants, so be careful if you're already taking drugs for depression.  Also, this is not safe to take while pregnant.  If you are pregnant and want to support your mental/emotional health, try oat straw tea - I brewed it and red raspberry leaf tea (for uterine support) by the gallon and drank a glass every day.  It made a big difference, as I was feeling thrown off balance in my first trimester with Elliot - feeling nauseous was preventing me from sticking with exercise and cravings/aversions were preventing me from eating right, and that combo was having some negative affects on my moods.  A few days after starting the oat straw tea, I was already feeling much better emotionally!

I've heard great things about another supplement called 5-HTP, which is the precursor to the neurotransmitter serotonin.  I tried it and unfortunately didn't have a good experience, but do your own research regardless - I've heard people swear by it the way I swear by St. John's Wort, so it seems as though it works or doesn't work depending on the individual.

I also took the homeopathic remedy Sepia, which, in a nutshell, can aid in just letting go - a good treatment for depression or anxiety.  I took it postpartum after Harlee's birth, and I also took it around 7-8 months pregnant with Elliot as I drew nearer to the due date and the scary, great unknown of birth.  It helped, which was very welcome while at the same time very surprising at how effective it was!  I had very little anxiety, and what fears I did have about the upcoming birth weren't bad enough to interfere with my daily life.  I found it easier to be present, to feel good about myself for all the work I had done to ensure a positive birth outcome, and to just trust that no matter what, everything was going to be okay.  Instead of feeling sick or shaky when I found myself getting caught in conversation about birth amongst other women like I used to, I was able to listen passively, without any fears or ill feelings surfacing.  That was huge for me.

Homeopathic Chamomilla was also helpful postpartum with Harlee, and it also helped him with his colic, too.  It gave me a sense of peace and well-being as I worked toward recovery of postpartum depression.

Supplementing with DHA/Omega-3 fatty acids is also beneficial.  It is found primarily in fish and krill oil, and your brain greatly depends on it.  Low DHA levels have been linked to depression, memory loss, Schizophrenia, and Alzheimer's disease.

Of course I love essential oils and have to share some suggestions in that category to support mental and emotional health.   Coriander, ylang ylang, bergamot, jasmine, geranium, chamomile, lavender, frankincense, clary sage, and citrus oils like lemon, grapefruit, orange, lime, and tangerine are great.  Since Elliot's birth I've made a sitz bath (filled the tub with warm water enough to just cover my hips) at least every other night with lavender, frankincense, and clary sage essential oils and it's helped with healing and swelling and has definitely lifted my spirits too.  Highly recommend for the postpartum momma!

Exercise is very important.  I've found it to be a key factor in managing my stress levels and overcoming depression.  Here's a list of awesome benefits of exercise from an article by Dr. Mercola:

It reverses the detrimental effects of stress. Exercise boosts levels of soothing brain chemicals like serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. Exercise may actually work on a cellular level to reverse stress's toll on your aging process.

It lifts depression. Sustained, sweat-inducing activity can reduce symptoms of depression about as effectively as antidepressants.

It improves learning. Exercise increases the level of brain chemicals called growth factors that help make new brain cells.

It builds self-esteem and improves body image. Even simply seeing fitness improvements, like running a faster mile or lifting more weight, can improve your self-esteem and body image.

It leaves you feeling euphoric. High-intensity exercise can leave you with a feeling of euphoria. Try running, biking, or swimming as fast as you can for 30 to 40 seconds and then reduce your speed to a gentle pace for five minutes before sprinting again.

As I mentioned before, Diet is another big factor in managing or preventing depression.  Turning to a more Paleo lifestyle has helped me the most, as avoiding sugar and grains helps balance insulin and leptin levels.  Sugar causes chronic inflammation, which can really mess up your immune system and in turn be very harmful to your brain.  And, if you read my post about the Science of Healthy Eating, you'll know that all carbs convert to sugar in the body, which is why avoiding grains, not just those containing gluten, is beneficial to cleaning up any inflammation in your body and supports overall health, including mental.

Sunlight - getting sufficient vitamin D, is also very helpful..  Studies have shown that people with low levels of vitamin D are more likely to become depressed than those who don't get enough.  So either supplement with a good vitamin D3, or go outside and play!

Don't underestimate the effectiveness of talk therapy, either.  The above suggestions should help tremendously, but sometimes the feeling of releasing your problems verbally can make all the difference.  I took a hiatus from counseling after my first therapist suggested I get on Zoloft, thinking talk therapy wasn't very effective and probably more or less just a gimmick.  But, thankfully, I gave it one more shot by going to see a gal that really meshed well with my personality, and that made a huge difference in my healing.  She helped me see things in a different light, helped me learn to let go, helped me learn to problem solve on my own, and overall just helped me grow as a person.  Because of her I began keeping journals, which I was skeptical of at first and was something I pretty much had to force myself to do, but it eventually became hugely cathartic as I wrote out all my thoughts and feelings and was able to overcome any issues I was having and quickly come to healthy conclusions for them the more I wrote.

Journaling, meditating, yoga, or talking with a good friend are all very helpful on your journey out of depression. Journaling was my "drug" of choice, but everyone is different and can benefit just as well from the other suggestions.

The important thing is to just start somewhere.  Pick something and go with it.  No time for exercise?  Start changing things about your diet.  Don't know where to begin with diet?  Start out with some of the supplements I mentioned until your mind feels stable enough to address diet and exercise.  Force yourself to write out your thoughts before going to sleep, or to take five minutes or so to do some guided meditation (there are plenty of tracks you can listen to on YouTube!).

In conclusion, I'd like to share the end of the Dr. Mercola article I read about depression:

As Davis suggests in his article, "Think twice, be skeptical, and question a simplistic diagnosis you might receive after discussing your condition for a short time with a rushed practitioner."

This is sound advice indeed. 

It is easy to become seduced into thinking a pill might relieve your pain, especially when it comes with the endorsement of your physician. Feeling depressed is never pleasant, and you naturally want to escape it as quickly as possible. 

But drugs should always be your last choice, and antidepressants are no exception. 

There is a better way! You wouldn't want to expose yourself to the enormous risks these drugs present, especially for so little gain. Hang in there, and if you implement the healthy strategies above, I bet you'll soon find yourself feeling better.

I am happy to say that today I am a far better person than I ever thought I could be, having made a greater recovery than I ever imagined I would.  I am SO eternally grateful I never gave in to the suggestion of trying a psychiatric drug years ago, and that I tried the suggestions I shared with you instead, and with great success.  I am determined to help anyone dealing with depression to find healthier ways to overcome it, after having experienced it first-hand.  I hope this article helps.



http://www.suicide.org/suicide-faqs.html
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/03/07/reversing-depression-without-antidepressants.aspx
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/04/06/frightening-story-behind-the-drug-companies-creation-of-medical-lobotomies.aspx
http://www.alternativementalhealth.com/articles/depression.htm
http://jonbarron.org/article/genes-and-depression-again#.U_zBc2O8A5c
http://www.mayoclinic.org/drugs-supplements/st-johns-wort/background/hrb-20060053
http://naturalmedicinejournal.com/journal/2011-10/many-uses-5-htp
http://abchomeopathy.com/r.php/Sep
http://abchomeopathy.com/r.php/Cham
http://fitness.mercola.com/sites/fitness/archive/2010/07/24/5-mindblowing-benefits-of-exercise.aspx

Postpartum Adventures and Vegan PB&J Cookies

I'm finally writing another post!  I'm at three weeks postpartum, which seems almost impossible and totally acceptable at the same time.  I'm certainly enjoying life with a newborn much better this time around than I did three years ago.  Harlee was terribly colicky and kept us up all. night. every. night.  And it wasn't just crying, it was screaming his head off.  And not just at night - all day as well.  It was maddening.  Coupled with some pretty strong postpartum depression and I'm surprised I didn't get admitted to an asylum.  It was pretty rough.  Elliot, however, sleeps all the time.  Naturally not ALL night long, since his tiny tummy can't and shouldn't allow for adult spans of time sleeping through the night, but I'm not feeling sleep-deprived so the amount of times he does wake certainly aren't affecting me!  It's wonderful!

No postpartum depression this time, either.  Not even baby blues.  Okay so at three days postpartum I did start randomly crying in the shower... not really sure where that came from or why, but other than that I've been feeling great.  Recovery has been smooth, too.  Frustrating, since there IS recovery to be done - I can't just bounce back into working out like I did before, and my hips are still a little unhappy about the birthing adventure they went through (but thankfully chiropractic care is helping out with that), and I really. really. miss working out.  But still, I can't complain, because all in all recovery has been smooth.  Plus I have a comparison - recovery after having Harlee wasn't NEARLY as pleasant whatsoever.  Oh, and let me just say, using lavender essential oil and frankincense essential oil in a sitz bath has helped tremendously with the healing process (and general comfort during that process too).

Life hasn't been entirely perfect, though.  Unfortunately, little Elliot started getting tummy aches shortly after a week old.  At a week and a half, he wound up constipated - no poop all day.  Then, we discovered a fissure during a diaper change.  Something was definitely going on with our little man's digestive system!

For the record, Young Living's DiGize essential oil blend has worked wonders in getting his belly calmed down and his elimination process moving again.  I'd mix one drop with some coconut oil and rub it clockwise on his belly, then rub the excess on the soles of his feet and massage the reflexology points for the stomach and intestines, along the arch of the foot.  He'd go from crying pretty hard and tensing up to relaxing and lying calmly shortly after applying the oil.  I kept this up twice a day until we were able to get him in to see the chiropractor, and she adjusted his low back and sacrum and got things moving again.  But because of the fissure and the tummy aches, she informed me that he may have a food intolerance, and beings that I breastfeed I'm going to have to consider an elimination diet, starting with dairy and eggs as those are the most common allergens in situations like this.  I quit drinking milk a long time ago, but I do enjoy cheese... and eggs are a staple in my life, plus not only do I enjoy them plain, they're in all of my paleo baked goods as well as my homemade salad dressings and all kinds of other things.  Dairy would be easy to part with... Eggs, however?

Well, anything to help the little guy out.  So I stopped eating anything that contained dairy or eggs (which was no fun when we went out to eat at the local Mexican restaurant one evening!) and within days he had fewer and fewer tummy aches.  Thank goodness!  Still, from my end of the struggle it wasn't nearly as difficult as dealing with a colicky baby - he still slept a LOT both day and night and his crying wasn't completely inconsolable like Harlee's was, but, regardless, you don't want to see your kiddo struggling no matter what level of discomfort they're in.  I wish I had my essential oil knowledge as well as the resources to know more about cause and effect of diet back when Harlee was a baby, that's for sure...  But at least I've got it now!  Harlee is a happy 3-year-old and anytime he hurts himself or has any kind of issue worth complaining about he comes to me, tells me about it, and immediately says, "Put oil on it, Mom!"

So, back to this dairy and egg-free lifestyle I've entered into.  I guess it's a blessing in disguise - I haven't been very paleo at ALL since Elliot was born.  It's like all my willpower went out the window.  Fortunately I think breastfeeding has kept my metabolism in good shape so I haven't gained anything, but the last 10lbs I needed to lose to get back to my pre-baby weight wasn't going anywhere, either.  Well, I have no choice but to go back to paleo now!  Of course my sweet tooth attacked me shortly after learning I need to do an elimination diet, and unfortunately a lot of my healthy paleo baked goods contain eggs.  So off I went to search for an egg-free recipe that looked like it would satisfy my sweet tooth.

And so I found vegan peanut butter cookies on Elana's Pantry.  Which would work perfectly with an idea I had - turning them into peanut butter and jelly cookies!  I had a jar of strawberry jalepeno jam from a friend of mine, and another jar of blackberry jalepeno jam from our local farmer's market, so I made a double batch of the peanut butter cookie recipe and baked half with the strawberry and half with the blackberry.  They were delicious!  However, I didn't have palm shortening on hand and used coconut oil instead, which made them spread out a little too much.  The intent was to make thumbprint cookies, but they weren't quite that style in the end.  Still delicious, though!

Here's the recipe:

2 cups almond flour
1 tsp sea salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 cup creamy natural peanut butter (I actually used almond butter, which has pretty much the same flavor)
1/2 cup honey
4 tbsp palm shortening (I used coconut oil but probably shouldn't have)
2 tsp vanilla extract
jam of choice - 1/2 tsp per cookie

Preheat oven to 350°.  Combine the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl.  Mix in the wet ingredients.  Scoop the dough 1 tbsp at a time onto a parchment paper lined baking sheet.  Bake in preheated oven for 5 minutes to establish a firm base.  Remove from oven and press a well into each cookie with your finger or with the back of the measuring spoon.  Scoop 1/2 tsp of jam into each well and return cookies to the oven.  Bake for 10 more minutes.  Let cool and enjoy!