It's special for me too. I've been reflecting on that quite a bit since we designated July 23rd as our official start date. I've said this before, and I'll say it again: two years ago today was one of the worst days of my life. I know it's my son's birthday and all, it's supposed to be joyous occasion, but for me it's bittersweet and filled with very confusing, mixed emotions. Especially this year. I've done SO much work healing from my postpartum depression and PTSD, and I've made leaps and bounds in growth as a person since then, and in the past couple of months I've actually been able to say I'm grateful for the traumatic turn of events that was Harlee's birth, because if it weren't for that then I wouldn't be where I am or who I am today. Last year Harlee's birthday was really hard for me. It was the one-year anniversary of the death of one of my biggest dreams, yet at the same time the one-year birthday of my perfect, sweet little boy. I drowned myself in planning a big party with lots of homemade decorations and food and entertainment, and spent all my time focusing on him and his big day. Even though he'll never remember it. But that's okay. Anything I could do to keep it as positive and uplifting as I could, I did it. But it's not just about him. I needed to honor that part of me that was completely crushed that my dream died a very tragic death that very same day. I get so angry when people would tell me, "Well, at least your baby is healthy and safe, that's all that matters." Folks, if you've never experienced a tragedy, and someone you know had a terrible birth experience, one of the worst things you can say to that mom is "well at least your baby is healthy." What a great way to devalue a mother. Sure, Harlee was healthy and safe and alive, but what about me? I wasn't healthy, physically OR emotionally, doesn't that matter? I'm supposed to mother this kid, how am I supposed to do that when I'm suffering a huge loss on the inside, and I don't have proper support from anyone to get through it?
Anyway. Forgive me. Today I'm reflecting on a lot of emotions I've gone through in the past two years, and I feel like doing that out loud. Especially in the event that I can help other moms who could be going through similar emotions. It's a very silent battle we take on. I feel like we should talk about it.
So, I've found an amazing counselor whom I've been seeing for almost a year, and she's helped me grow and heal SO MUCH from what happened on Harlee's birthday and everything surrounding it, and I expected this year to be different. This year wouldn't be so much of an "anniversary" and instead I could finally relax and enjoy it as a birthday. Until about a week or so ago I started getting really moody. Couldn't figure out why. I stepped up my running - added more miles, got out more often. I even started taking St. John's Wort again (my natural happy pills). Then it dawned on me - maybe I'm not quite done grieving. Added to the fact that EVERYONE is pregnant right now which means we're being bombarded with questions like "When's it your turn?" "You're next, right?" "When's Harlee going to be a big brother?" Kinda rubs salt in a wound that's not quite done healing yet. So, I guess I just need to be kind and patient with myself and allow me a little more time to grieve. Even though it's been two years. Even though I've made such huge progress emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and everything in between. I guess it's normal. I mean, Justin's dad passed away 14 years ago this September, and he still grieves. By the way I am so grateful to have him. He doesn't get EXACTLY what I went through and what I continue to go through, but he's no stranger to the pain and suffering of loss. If I'm moody because of the memory of my trauma, he's patient and understanding. Only difference is that his loss and grieving is common - everyone understands it. Mine? Not so much. Another reason I'm talking openly about it. Just spreading a little understanding (or trying to, anyway).
Today, however, is a very very special day. Today I feel like a new chapter has started. Today is Harlee's birthday, a day to celebrate his life, all the blessings he's brought us, the lessons he's taught us, and the many new levels of love, insanity, joy, rage, and emotions that don't even have labels yet, both wonderful and terrible. And how amazing and fun and incredible it is to feel such a huge spectrum of emotion, all because of this one kid.
And how perfect is it that we get to start the adventure of our new home on this very day! For me, it makes this day easier. It's a new anniversary. We're starting a new journey, a new adventure. It's time to move gently into new realms, and kindly say farewell to the old, with gratitude for all that it gave us. It's a day to truly focus on the blessings we have in our lives. To remember that there's a Divine Plan for everything that happens. Anything bad that we've ever experienced has only helped build us into better, stronger people. And now we get to build a house, and build many more new adventures in it. And I'm really, really excited :)
P.S. Stay tuned for Harlee's birthday cake recipe this Friday!!
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