It’s my birthday tomorrow!
So I
figured I’d write a “me” post and finally recap my Arizona adventure and tell
you that story!
It proved to be a great
combo of learning experiences, some were apparent and others I’m still
processing, but most of which I’d like to share.
Towards the end of last year life kinda threw up on me a bit - found out my
Granny had pancreatic cancer at the same time I
miscarried
our baby #2, and shortly thereafter
Granny
left us to be with Grandpa and everyone else on the other side. Added
in to the fact that my life was hectic and crazy anyway, I decided I needed a
vacation - some time to unwind and decompress after the emotional roller
coaster I'd been on. Justin had gone on a hog hunt in Texas a couple
years back with a small group of guys, so I always joked with him that I'd go
on a trip for myself too to "get him back". Harlee was seven
months old the time Justin went on his trip, and I got a taste of single
motherhood (I don't know how you single moms do it, by the way...).
Anyway, so I decided it was my turn to get away. Of course Arizona was my
destination of choice - I have a good friend out there as well as my uncle, not
to mention it's my favorite part of the country. Then I started talking
myself out of it. "I can't go to Arizona right now, we're in the middle
of building a house,” “I’m a mom, I can’t just up and leave,” “Justin’s laid
off right now, that’s financially irresponsible,” etc., etc., etc. I'm
sure most of you moms can relate to these feelings. I continued to
entertain the idea by looking into flight schedules and prices, but then
proceeded to talk myself out of it. Then, I talked to my therapist about
it (yes I still go to therapy - I'm pretty much past my postpartum depression
and PTSD that I was originally seeing her for, but the leaps and bounds I've
made mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually have kept me going just in the
excitement of seeing what happens next and how I can continue to evolve, and I
don't have any intentions of stopping anytime soon!), and she pointed out that
these are all excuses, but are they valid? Can Justin really not handle
things for a long weekend without me? Can I really not take a break from
the house for a few days? No - Justin's perfectly capable, and the house
progress won't be hindered by my taking a break. Then the mother's guilt
thing - could I leave my kid for a long weekend? Wouldn't he miss
me? And I'd miss him? Ya know, sure we'd miss each other, but I realized
it would be really good for both of us. It would be nice to not be
"mom" for a bit, and he's at a good age to understand
independence. I'm not going away forever, just a few days, and I deserve
to enjoy that time away.
Then, I found out a couple of friends were going down to Phoenix for the
Rock & Roll Marathon - they were running the half - and it happened to be
on the exact weekend I was considering going down anyway. Coincidence? A
sign? Hmm... So I got in touch with my friend Debbie to find out her work
schedule, and she explained that she had no vacation days left after having
taken off to stay at my uncle's place while he came up for Granny's funeral...
BUT, as she does in-home care for an elderly woman, she could have off if her
client has family in town... and guess who had family in town on the EXACT
WEEKEND I was looking at going? Yeah, not coincidence, Divine
Intervention at its finest, and more than enough signs to convince me that yes,
I was meant to go.
I NEEDED to go.
I got everything lined up so that I could head down on Thursday the 16th, and
return on the same flight as my half marathon friends that following Monday the
20th. It was really happening. I was SO EXCITED, and not a single
bit guilty about leaving my family and responsibilities for a long weekend.
Then
Harlee
broke his arm the Sunday before I was to leave, and this threw a different
perspective on my trip. Suddenly I found myself feeling guilty again -
what kind of mom am I to leave my poor little injured son for a long
weekend? How am I going to be able to enjoy myself being away from him
and wondering how he's doing with his broken arm without me?
Then, as though by another stroke of Divine Intervention, I spoke with a man
in Sedona who runs a touring business of experiencing the Sedona energy
vortexes. I had called him the week before to schedule a tour, as this
was something I've been wanting to do for years, and we finally connected again
to finalize plans that Tuesday after the whole broken arm adventure. I
apologized for not getting back to him, explaining what happened with Harlee,
and I was definitely still wanting to set up the tour, especially now that I
was dealing with mom-guilt (I hoped maybe some healing vortex energy could ease
it for me). He said exactly the things that I needed to hear - that guilt
is only brought on by our society, it's not really a valid emotion in situations
like this - and that teaching Harlee independence is a good thing.
Trusting he and Justin will be fine without me, and still honoring myself that
I need this time away to reconnect with myself as an individual, are some
important factors to consider. His guilt comment made perfect
sense. I was only feeling guilty because that's how most moms in my
situation would probably feel. That it's almost become ingrained in me as
"normal" to feel bad leaving my child for a bit. It seems
normal by society’s standards, too – last summer
when
we went to Mexico, so many people were shocked that we were leaving Harlee
with his grandparents for the whole week and we were going without him.
And I know several people were shocked that I
could be away from my whole family for this long weekend in Arizona, too.
But there's no reason to feel guilty - don't I
trust my husband's capabilities as a father? Of course I do.
Harlee's in good hands. Do they really need me 100% of the time, to the
point they're incapable of functioning without me? Of course not.
They're fine. Broken arm and all.
And do I need to be around them 100% of the time?
Can I function as an individual without a
husband and child constantly with me?
Of
course I can.
And I need to.
So. This trip. It ended up being just as amazing as I'd
hoped. I went with an open mind, simply looking forward to getting away
and unwinding, but deep down I was hoping to get a few good life lessons out of
the experience.
Funny thing is, my life lessons happened before I even set foot in
Arizona. Stepping up to personal empowerment and just booking the flight
regardless of my excuses was the first one.
Harlee breaking his arm and my learning to
press forward to reach a goal despite monkey wrenches being thrown into the
works was the second one. Then, I happened to have
Practicing
the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle in my possession during the flight,
which is a small enough book that I had the entire thing read except for the
last chapter before I ever got off the plane. And I got SO much out of
it. Simple concepts that should be so obvious, but just aren't, were made
apparent to me. I spend so much time dwelling on the past, like getting
hung up on Harlee's birth outcome and how horrible it was. And then that
leads me to spending so much time worrying about the future, like my next
child's birth outcome and how could I ever get through it if I had to go
through something like Harlee's again?
The Power of Now shared one simple fact: the past isn't
happening right now, so why am I worrying about it? And the future isn't
happening now either, so why am I worrying about that? The only thing
happening right now, is NOW, and if I'm spending so much time dwelling on the
past or worrying about the future, then I'm going to miss out on what's
happening NOW. It was all so obvious... and it's like I had an awakening
there on the plane. Other simple concepts were pointed out, too, like how
so much of what we do is basically spent waiting. In line at a store, at a
restaurant, in a doctor's office, at work looking forward to the end of the
day, even during things as simple as washing your hands, you're just waiting to
get done. Waiting for the next step, waiting to arrive at the next
location, waiting to get to the next thing on your agenda. It's
interesting how one thing I wanted to try to focus on as my
New
Year's resolution was living in the present, and magically this book landed
in my lap showing me how to do just that. And I had a whole weekend to
practice it.
Heck, I had a plane ride to
practice it – instead of looking at the flight as a means to my destination, I
focused on my presence on the plane – watching the scenery down below, taking
in my surroundings, the sights and sounds and smells, and just enjoying being
me, on a plane.
And I continued to practice it. The trip consisted of a perfect blend
of different things. Hanging out with my friend Debbie again was a great
element of it. I spent a lot of time with her and Granny when she was
living here in Illinois, and I've missed her quite a bit since she moved back
to Arizona. We used to go see movies together, the three of us, so one of
the first things we did was go see a movie together, the two of us and Granny
in spirit, on Thursday evening. We saw
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, which was such a fun, heartwarming
story that really correlated to a lot of what this trip was about for me -
seizing the moment and embracing the present, taking chances along the way for
the betterment of yourself and those around you.
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| Blowing kisses via FaceTime |
Friday was the
vortex tour in
Sedona.
Sedona is becoming more and
more famous as one of the locations of the world’s most concentrated energy,
supposedly because of the stone laced with quartz crystal as well as the rich
deposits of iron oxide.
It made me want
to study the energetic properties of stones and the healing vibrations they
possess – I used to be really into that, and some of you may have noticed some
of the stones and crystals I have in my office – but I’ve kind of slipped out
of it.
Our tour guide, Mark, was
excellent – not too “out there” like some people who study energy fields and
practice energy work have a tendency to be – but rather very realistic about
it, confident in his knowledge, and balanced with a very down-to-earth sense of
humor.
It revived my suppressed belief
in energy work – something I felt so strongly about while I was in massage
school, but I allowed it to get squashed out of me as my practice grew in
small-town Southern Illinois, where energy work is equivalent to magic tricks
and make-believe – or so it feels to me.
It was good to feel the vibration of the earth again, something I hadn’t
paid attention to in years, and it was so revitalizing to be free to notice the
colors of the earth’s energy again, also something I hadn’t done since I was
very young, and only ever did again when I was in massage school.
In the meantime we stopped at different
highly energized areas amongst the Sedona rocks, normally in places that
contained a high concentration of trees that had been struck by lightning due
to the area being so conductive, and interestingly enough all those particular
trees had been growing in a spiral, as though some force just gripped them and
twisted them.
We practiced meditations,
reflections, and got to experience a few healing and energy cleansing rituals using
burning sage and sound.
Debbie and I
each got to share some of our back stories, as well as learning about Mark’s as
a cancer survivor (and by “survivor” I don’t mean thanks to chemo but rather to
self-reflection and a change of heart and mind that brought him to where he is
today) and his interesting thoughts on that subject.
I shared my own experiences about how my
birth experience with Harlee really pulled the rug out from under me,
shattering my faith and rocking my belief system, but ultimately brought me on
one of the biggest, most life-changing spiritual journeys I’d ever imagined
going on.
We talked about how our most
important lessons and personal evolution in life come from our most traumatic
experiences, if we choose to allow the trauma to be a teacher and grow from it
rather than be crippled by it.
Other
important reminders were brought up as well, like how directing our attention
on positive things can allow those positive things to come to us – don’t focus
on what we DON’T want, but rather direct our attention to what we DO want.
Like, if you’re against war, then focus on
things that promote peace rather than protesting war.
If you want better health, don’t focus on the
illness you want to avoid, but rather the energy and strength and vitality of
feeling healthy that you do want to experience.
And, on a more controversial note but one I feel strongly about – if you’re
against abortion, don’t picket and protest outside of abortion clinics, but
rather direct that energy in a more positive direction and support orphanages,
or volunteer your time in finding ways to protect and care for the children
that are born to mothers who can’t care for them and would have otherwise chosen
abortion due to that reason.
A little off-topic, I guess, but still those are some things I’ve always
felt strongly about, and it was nice to be reminded of that simple concept of
staying focused on the positive things you support, rather than the negative
things you’re against.
I hope it might
provide a bit of food for thought for my readers, perhaps.
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| Energy clearing with sound |
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| and with sage |
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| Trees struck by lightning |
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| How some of the trees grow in the energy vortexes |
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| Soaking in some of the vortex energy |
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| One of the areas of crystal and iron oxide grid patterns |
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| Beautiful Sedona scenery |
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| The sunset created a cool light show on the Sedona rocks |
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| Climbing around on some of the rock formations before it got too dark out |
After the tour, I felt pretty overwhelmed.
I almost had a headache from everything I took in that day, and so much
to process in my mind.
We didn’t do much
that evening, just checked out a crystal shop in Sedona and bought a few
souvenirs, and then watched the sun set at Airport Mesa before heading back to
Phoenix where we grabbed some dinner and crashed at the hotel.
Saturday we went to a Health and Fitness expo for the marathon, and then
spent the day in Cottonwood, one of my favorite towns in the area (I swear I’ll
retire there someday – I have a dream of being a snowbird with Justin and never
seeing winter again…).
We visited the
Native American ruins of Tuzigoot (which I wanted to go to simply because the
name was funny, and it turned out to be pretty cool) and then checked out the
shops along the street of old Cottonwood.
We went to bed early that night, as Sunday was an early morning for us.
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| Tuzigoot |
A couple of weeks before the trip, I thought about how I’d be going to the
Rock & Roll Marathon to support my friends as they crossed the finish line
after running the half marathon.
But
what was I going to do up until they crossed the finish?
I thought it sure would be fun if the event
also had a smaller event, like a 5 or 10k to run.
I looked into it, and sure enough they
offered a mini marathon, which was a 5.4 mile run that started and finished at
the same places as the half marathon.
So, on a whim, I signed up for it!
Even though I hadn’t actually run any kind of distance since early
December… but I figured, if anything I’d just walk part of it if I had to.
I was PUMPED.
This would be my first time participating in this kind of event – even
though the mini marathon isn’t timed or anything, I’d still get to be part of
the atmosphere of the bigger races.
The
cool thing was that the entire event ended in the same location – the mini
marathon and the half marathon as well as the full, the bike race, and the
relay race which all started back in Phoenix (the end of the event was in
Tempe).
So I’d get to cross the finish
line with EVERYone.
So Sunday we got up bright and early and my uncle dropped Debbie and I off
at the start line where we met up with Kelly and Patty.
Debbie took pictures as we gathered in our
corral, and we got to start the run together, which was awesome.
The first 2.5 miles were spent together,
which made them go by so fast and I didn’t even noticed we had covered that
much distance.
The mini marathon runners
then split from the half marathon course, and off I trotted to the 3 mile
marker, and I realized I just ran a 5k without really even noticing it.
I jogged on over to the 4 mile marker, and
suddenly it dawned on me, I’m running this whole damn thing without stopping!
I called Justin to pass a little time, and by
5 miles realized I only had 0.4 miles left to run, and I picked up the
pace.
I crossed the bridge to find
everyone there supporting the WHOLE event, screaming and cheering and blaring
their horns and rattling their noisemakers and waving their banners and signs,
the road was painted with “You’re almost there!” and “RUN!” as I approached the
finish line, and as I got closer I actually started getting choked up.
There was so much to take in, and I was so
proud of myself for this accomplishment – my longest distance to date – and under
certain conditions that I’ll write about in a future blog post but most of you
probably already know :) – it was an amazing feeling.
An empowering feeling.
Almost overwhelmingly so.
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| Waiting to run (and trying to keep warm) |
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| Cheese! |
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| Starting line |
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| I loved this |
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| I finished! |
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| Go us!! |
I made my way over to the “family reunion” area where I was supposed to meet
Debbie, but she wasn’t there yet, so I plopped down in the grass and just took
everything in as I rehydrated and ate.
I
thought about how I’d gotten to this point – from talking myself out of booking
the flight, to the divine intervention that I’m so glad I recognized and
followed, to reading that book, to the vortex tour, to just BEING here in
Arizona, my favorite part of the country, after a rough ending to the year last
year… just recharging the batteries and recognizing that life really is good,
even if it sucks sometimes.
And making
the best of things, seeing the silver linings, and making positive changes when
things happen to try to bring you down.
That’s the theme of this whole journey, I guess, from 2011 when Harlee
was born – not letting a bad thing destroy you, but instead rising from the
ashes and becoming even stronger than before.
Funny how that’s the story of the phoenix – and here I was, in Phoenix…
Anyway.
I had a pretty good high
after that run, but was pretty sore, too.
I met up with Debbie (who had her own pretty cool experience while she
waited for me, by “chance” meeting this woman who had a really interesting life
story and outlook – sounds like they had an awesome conversation), and we
waited for Kelly and Patty to cross the finish line.
Once reunited, we headed into town and found
a place to eat (after the run and all the reflection, at that point all I could
think about was a big juicy cheeseburger), then hopped on the air rail and rode
back into Phoenix.
Debbie and I spent
the rest of the day shopping in Scottsdale, where I picked up some more
souvenirs including a wind chime for the new house, books for Harlee and my niece,
a little cactus kit that we’d plant when I got home, and some other
goodies.
I took advantage of the jetted
tub at the hotel that night and soaked in a bath of Epsom salts, which
fortunately helped my sore muscles quite a bit and I wasn’t nearly as crippled
the next morning as I was afraid I’d be!
My uncle and Debbie dropped me off at the airport early the next morning
where I met up with Kelly and Patty.
We
were going home.
And I was ready by that
point.
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| Planting our cactus |
I’ll be honest – the first couple of days I was down there I almost felt
angry that I didn’t push harder to get Justin to move with me.
When we first met, I had already decided I
was going to attend massage school in Arizona and start my life over down
there.
I’d always been drawn to the area
and felt a sense of belonging in the atmosphere.
The weather was perfect, the scenery was
perfect, and that part of the country seemed much more welcoming and accepting
of my natural lifestyle and desire to be healthy – organic food was easy to
come by, as were herbal remedies and alternative health options.
That’s not so easy to find in the Midwest.
Then, as if by some twist of fate, Justin
popped into my life and for some reason insisted I rethink my plans to move and
consider going to school in St. Louis instead.
I tried to talk him into moving down to Arizona with me instead, if he
was that determined to stay with me, but somehow he won out and I stayed
put.
Now that I have a kiddo I’m glad to
have family nearby, but there’s still a part of me that wonders… what if…
But after a weekend down there, starting out
feeling frustrated that I didn’t push him harder to move with me instead, I
ended up finding myself grateful for how things played out.
What kind of challenge would there be in life
had I moved to an environment that was so easy for me to live my lifestyle
in?
Here in Southern Illinois I have the
opportunity to educate people on natural lifestyle choices, open people’s minds
to alternative medicine, and encourage people to make healthy eating choices –
and what that even means.
It’s hard to
come by in this area, but instead of running away from it, it’s nice to know
that maybe I can help bring it about.
It’s
hard, but that’s how we grow stronger – through our challenges.
It was a very empowering experience and a much-needed trip.
I must say I encourage everyone to find the
opportunity to get away and have a little self-discovery and recharge the
batteries every once in awhile.
You can
survive being away from your family for a short period of time, and they’ll
survive without you.
I think it’s so
important to remain connected to yourself and take care of yourself in order to
provide the best care to your loved ones.
I know it did our whole family a lot of good for me to get away for a
bit.
And I’m already encouraging Justin
to go on another hunting trip whenever he wants!
And on the same note, go on trips just he and
I, without kids along, to recharge our marriage too.
The Mexico trip last summer showed us how
important that is, and my Arizona trip showed me how important me-time is.
And it also reminded me that if I want
something in life that isn’t really all that far-fetched, then just quit making
excuses and go for it!
