For those of you who know me in person and have interacted with me in real-life, you probably already know. For those of you who only have Facebook or blog interaction with me, well... I've been keeping a little secret from you.
Yep, I'm pregnant! About 21 weeks along, too, so it's already halfway over, whoa! I've got a bump and everything, with a kicking baby BOY inside!
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| Baby Elliot, patting his head and sucking his thumb at the same time! So coordinated already... |
We can expect his debut sometime around the end of July, right around his brother's birthday - how's that for timing? Unless he wants to be just like his big brother, in which case we can expect him sometime in early August. I'm going to try to be okay with the idea of going late. I remember how grueling and miserable those last few weeks of pregnancy are, how they feel like they last forever and you get to a point where you feel like pregnancy is just going to be a way of life now - the kid will NEVER come out. Or at least that's how I felt. But this time I want to practice patience, practice presence, and practice acceptance and surrender. It's going to be what it's going to be. He'll come when he's ready.
Speaking of practicing presence, which is something I got to work on in Arizona, I'm really trying to keep myself busy and active (which isn't too hard) so that I can continue to be present throughout this pregnancy. With Harlee, it seemed like all I ever did was focus on the birth and how EXACTLY I wanted it to go. Well, thanks to Harlee, I learned that birth is way too unpredictable, no matter how prepared you are, so there's really no way to set it up to go "perfectly". Well, I gained the education I needed about birth during that pregnancy - how a woman's body works when it goes into labor, what's going on with the baby during labor, how to speed up labor, how inducing labor can usually lead to complications because if baby isn't ready to come out then baby's not coming out, how medical interventions can slow down progress or create complications, and how the cesarean rate is on the rise because women just get herded into the hospital like sheep and don't question things or follow their own inner guidance and medical personnel end up pushing interventions on them or induced them and then boom, problems arise. I wasn't going to be a sheep, dammit! But, unfortunately, I did end up becoming a statistic. Harlee decided to get stuck, which I guess can happen to the most mindless of sheep and the most educated of women. And, unfortunately, I did not prepare myself for that sort of thing because, well, I thought I was preparing myself for that NOT to happen - regular chiropractor adjustments, yoga, watching my posture, etc. So when his heart rate dropped dramatically at every contraction, I had no education on what to do about it. And I became a sheep, herded into the OR, and had a long, LONG road of recovery ahead of me - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I went from severe postpartum depression and PTSD (the kind most moms don't want to admit they have, myself included - it took me awhile to open up to my therapist about some of it) where I had violent thoughts about myself and my child, and I harbored so much anger and resentment towards Justin for "putting me in this mess" that I swear to this day if we hadn't gone to couple's therapy it would have broken our marriage. I was haunted by nightmares, I couldn't even cut vegetables in the kitchen for fear of an intruding vision coming into my head... it was bad.
But I beat it. When Harlee was a year old I was starting to get to a place where things were okay... but his first birthday was still super hard for me. It was the anniversary of somewhat of a death for me. The loss of a very big dream and with it the ground I once stood on. I was determined to pull through though, and I was starting to recognize that out of this trauma, I was given a gift. An opportunity to grow as a human and expand spiritually and mentally beyond anything I could have imagined before. I am not the same person I was three years ago. I have even more growth ahead of me, too, but at this moment, two years and nine months postpartum, I can sincerely say I am proud of myself and the hard work I've done to get here, and that I am grateful for the trauma that shattered my world two years and nine months ago.
Agreeing to get pregnant again was a very terrifying decision for me. At first I didn't think I'd ever agree to it again. But I knew I wanted more than one child, and I certainly knew I didn't want them too far apart in age... and, I also knew that I would probably feel a bit incomplete, that I'd be missing a piece of my puzzle of life, if I never stepped up and faced my fears. After the growth I'd been through already, I felt strong enough to tackle it again. Justin and I conceived shortly after Harlee's first birthday at the end of July, and I actually felt excited about that pregnancy. Yet I wanted to keep it so private that not even our parents knew about it. The only people who knew were those directly working with me on a healthcare level. I was all gung-ho about working out through the pregnancy, staying strong and fit and "I am woman, hear me roar!" kind of thing, and then I got another reminder that life is unpredictable. We lost the baby the day before our 3 year anniversary in early September.
It was humbling, and also a great opportunity for me to realize how far I've come. Instead of succumbing to the grief, my heart went straight to drawing comfort in knowing everything happens for a reason, and that this is just one of those times that life is teaching us some sort of valuable lesson to help us grow as people, if we treat it as such. So I did. I learned from multiple sources that miscarriages that early on just, well, happen. Usually because the body detects a defect and either the baby doesn't make it or the woman's body terminates it before it can progress into a bigger problem. Whatever the reason was, my body took care of things smoothly and gracefully, and I made a quick recovery physically. Instead of dwelling on the sadness of the loss, I instead took a step back and realized, wow, my body really DOES work. After Harlee's birth I felt completely defective and broken - if I can't push a baby out then something must be wrong with me, right? I found excuse after excuse to try to make myself feel better, but bottom line, I never could stop feeling like a failure. I had a child, but I never actually gave birth, and that made me sad. Somehow, the miscarriage helped change that a little bit for me. I DO work, I'm NOT defective or broken. I'm not saying I wasn't sad about the loss, of course we grieved, but even without the aid of therapy this time, all by myself I found a silver lining and pulled through.
I believe that miscarriage happened primarily to build my strength up for the pregnancy that I do see through to the end. It helped ease a few more fears I had inside of me that needed to be lessened, and I'm realizing that now as I am pregnant for the third time.
But most importantly, I'm living in the present, whatever the present may be. I have goals and ambitions, but they're all pregnancy-based - I want to continue to do crossfit throughout pregnancy. I want to continue to run throughout pregnancy. I want to listen to my body and learn to know it better throughout pregnancy. After all, that is kind of an important element of birth. Ultimately, deep down, I know that birth is at the end of this journey (and the beginning of a new one), and while I'm not focusing on it, I do think about it from time to time. I have hopes and desires for how I want things to work out, but I also bear in mind that I have no control.
All I have control over is the present.
So, The Diary of a Pregnant Crossfitter is pretty much the story of my pregnancy journey - I'm not going to talk about the birth because, well, it hasn't happened yet. Honestly I don't even want to talk about it - I almost feel burnt out from talking about Harlee's birth, even two and a half years later. What's happening is my experience carrying Elliot right now, and so far this experience has been VERY empowering. I've stuck with crossfit and continue to learn more and more each time I go to Flex, I try to run when I can and I've learned quite a bit with that too, and I'm doing my best to continue to eat clean (although I've cheated more than I like to admit... which has always resulted in more learning experiences!). I've spoken with women wanting to start their own families but afraid of the changes that will inevitably happen to their bodies, and I realized that this blog is a great opportunity for me to ease some of those fears. I'm finding that, yes, while your body changes, it doesn't have to be a BAD thing. It was a bad thing when I carried Harlee, I'll admit. I'll share some of those photos later to prove it... But this time is different, which is even more amazing to me. You always hear about how much harder that second child is, how your body changes so much more and so much faster than the first time around, and it's even harder, if not impossible, to get your former body back. Not this time. This second pregnancy is better than the first. My body is handling the changes much more smoothly than it did the first time, and it's giving me a lot of hope that "bouncing back" once this child is in my arms is going to be a lot easier than a lot of people say it is. I don't know that for sure, I'm not banking on it - I am keeping in mind the valuable lesson Harlee taught me in that life is unpredictable - but I can at least feel hopeful with good reason!
So anyway, I'm looking forward to sharing my experiences with you and hopefully educate and maybe inspire those wanting to become pregnant so that they can have a positive experience as well. Hope you enjoy the series!
So anyway, I'm looking forward to sharing my experiences with you and hopefully educate and maybe inspire those wanting to become pregnant so that they can have a positive experience as well. Hope you enjoy the series!
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