Personal Empowerment and the True Meaning of "Me-Time"

It’s my birthday tomorrow!  So I figured I’d write a “me” post and finally recap my Arizona adventure and tell you that story!  It proved to be a great combo of learning experiences, some were apparent and others I’m still processing, but most of which I’d like to share.

Towards the end of last year life kinda threw up on me a bit - found out my Granny had pancreatic cancer at the same time I miscarried our baby #2, and shortly thereafter Granny left us to be with Grandpa and everyone else on the other side.  Added in to the fact that my life was hectic and crazy anyway, I decided I needed a vacation - some time to unwind and decompress after the emotional roller coaster I'd been on.  Justin had gone on a hog hunt in Texas a couple years back with a small group of guys, so I always joked with him that I'd go on a trip for myself too to "get him back".  Harlee was seven months old the time Justin went on his trip, and I got a taste of single motherhood (I don't know how you single moms do it, by the way...).  Anyway, so I decided it was my turn to get away.  Of course Arizona was my destination of choice - I have a good friend out there as well as my uncle, not to mention it's my favorite part of the country.  Then I started talking myself out of it.  "I can't go to Arizona right now, we're in the middle of building a house,” “I’m a mom, I can’t just up and leave,” “Justin’s laid off right now, that’s financially irresponsible,” etc., etc., etc.  I'm sure most of you moms can relate to these feelings.  I continued to entertain the idea by looking into flight schedules and prices, but then proceeded to talk myself out of it.  Then, I talked to my therapist about it (yes I still go to therapy - I'm pretty much past my postpartum depression and PTSD that I was originally seeing her for, but the leaps and bounds I've made mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually have kept me going just in the excitement of seeing what happens next and how I can continue to evolve, and I don't have any intentions of stopping anytime soon!), and she pointed out that these are all excuses, but are they valid?  Can Justin really not handle things for a long weekend without me?  Can I really not take a break from the house for a few days?  No - Justin's perfectly capable, and the house progress won't be hindered by my taking a break.  Then the mother's guilt thing - could I leave my kid for a long weekend?  Wouldn't he miss me?  And I'd miss him?  Ya know, sure we'd miss each other, but I realized it would be really good for both of us.  It would be nice to not be "mom" for a bit, and he's at a good age to understand independence.  I'm not going away forever, just a few days, and I deserve to enjoy that time away.

Then, I found out a couple of friends were going down to Phoenix for the Rock & Roll Marathon - they were running the half - and it happened to be on the exact weekend I was considering going down anyway.  Coincidence? A sign?  Hmm... So I got in touch with my friend Debbie to find out her work schedule, and she explained that she had no vacation days left after having taken off to stay at my uncle's place while he came up for Granny's funeral... BUT, as she does in-home care for an elderly woman, she could have off if her client has family in town... and guess who had family in town on the EXACT WEEKEND I was looking at going?  Yeah, not coincidence, Divine Intervention at its finest, and more than enough signs to convince me that yes, I was meant to go.  I NEEDED to go.  I got everything lined up so that I could head down on Thursday the 16th, and return on the same flight as my half marathon friends that following Monday the 20th.  It was really happening.  I was SO EXCITED, and not a single bit guilty about leaving my family and responsibilities for a long weekend.

Then Harlee broke his arm the Sunday before I was to leave, and this threw a different perspective on my trip.  Suddenly I found myself feeling guilty again - what kind of mom am I to leave my poor little injured son for a long weekend?  How am I going to be able to enjoy myself being away from him and wondering how he's doing with his broken arm without me?

Then, as though by another stroke of Divine Intervention, I spoke with a man in Sedona who runs a touring business of experiencing the Sedona energy vortexes.  I had called him the week before to schedule a tour, as this was something I've been wanting to do for years, and we finally connected again to finalize plans that Tuesday after the whole broken arm adventure.  I apologized for not getting back to him, explaining what happened with Harlee, and I was definitely still wanting to set up the tour, especially now that I was dealing with mom-guilt (I hoped maybe some healing vortex energy could ease it for me).  He said exactly the things that I needed to hear - that guilt is only brought on by our society, it's not really a valid emotion in situations like this - and that teaching Harlee independence is a good thing.  Trusting he and Justin will be fine without me, and still honoring myself that I need this time away to reconnect with myself as an individual, are some important factors to consider.  His guilt comment made perfect sense.  I was only feeling guilty because that's how most moms in my situation would probably feel.  That it's almost become ingrained in me as "normal" to feel bad leaving my child for a bit.  It seems normal by society’s standards, too – last summer when we went to Mexico, so many people were shocked that we were leaving Harlee with his grandparents for the whole week and we were going without him.  And I know several people were shocked that I could be away from my whole family for this long weekend in Arizona, too.  But there's no reason to feel guilty - don't I trust my husband's capabilities as a father?  Of course I do.  Harlee's in good hands.  Do they really need me 100% of the time, to the point they're incapable of functioning without me?  Of course not.  They're fine.  Broken arm and all.  And do I need to be around them 100% of the time?  Can I function as an individual without a husband and child constantly with me?  Of course I can.  And I need to.

So.  This trip.  It ended up being just as amazing as I'd hoped.  I went with an open mind, simply looking forward to getting away and unwinding, but deep down I was hoping to get a few good life lessons out of the experience.

Funny thing is, my life lessons happened before I even set foot in Arizona.  Stepping up to personal empowerment and just booking the flight regardless of my excuses was the first one.  Harlee breaking his arm and my learning to press forward to reach a goal despite monkey wrenches being thrown into the works was the second one.  Then, I happened to have Practicing the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle in my possession during the flight, which is a small enough book that I had the entire thing read except for the last chapter before I ever got off the plane.  And I got SO much out of it.  Simple concepts that should be so obvious, but just aren't, were made apparent to me.  I spend so much time dwelling on the past, like getting hung up on Harlee's birth outcome and how horrible it was.  And then that leads me to spending so much time worrying about the future, like my next child's birth outcome and how could I ever get through it if I had to go through something like Harlee's again?  The Power of Now shared one simple fact:  the past isn't happening right now, so why am I worrying about it?  And the future isn't happening now either, so why am I worrying about that?  The only thing happening right now, is NOW, and if I'm spending so much time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, then I'm going to miss out on what's happening NOW.  It was all so obvious... and it's like I had an awakening there on the plane.  Other simple concepts were pointed out, too, like how so much of what we do is basically spent waiting.  In line at a store, at a restaurant, in a doctor's office, at work looking forward to the end of the day, even during things as simple as washing your hands, you're just waiting to get done.  Waiting for the next step, waiting to arrive at the next location, waiting to get to the next thing on your agenda.  It's interesting how one thing I wanted to try to focus on as my New Year's resolution was living in the present, and magically this book landed in my lap showing me how to do just that.  And I had a whole weekend to practice it.  Heck, I had a plane ride to practice it – instead of looking at the flight as a means to my destination, I focused on my presence on the plane – watching the scenery down below, taking in my surroundings, the sights and sounds and smells, and just enjoying being me, on a plane.

And I continued to practice it.  The trip consisted of a perfect blend of different things.  Hanging out with my friend Debbie again was a great element of it.  I spent a lot of time with her and Granny when she was living here in Illinois, and I've missed her quite a bit since she moved back to Arizona.  We used to go see movies together, the three of us, so one of the first things we did was go see a movie together, the two of us and Granny in spirit, on Thursday evening.  We saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, which was such a fun, heartwarming story that really correlated to a lot of what this trip was about for me - seizing the moment and embracing the present, taking chances along the way for the betterment of yourself and those around you.

Blowing kisses via FaceTime

Friday was the vortex tour in Sedona.  Sedona is becoming more and more famous as one of the locations of the world’s most concentrated energy, supposedly because of the stone laced with quartz crystal as well as the rich deposits of iron oxide.  It made me want to study the energetic properties of stones and the healing vibrations they possess – I used to be really into that, and some of you may have noticed some of the stones and crystals I have in my office – but I’ve kind of slipped out of it.  Our tour guide, Mark, was excellent – not too “out there” like some people who study energy fields and practice energy work have a tendency to be – but rather very realistic about it, confident in his knowledge, and balanced with a very down-to-earth sense of humor.  It revived my suppressed belief in energy work – something I felt so strongly about while I was in massage school, but I allowed it to get squashed out of me as my practice grew in small-town Southern Illinois, where energy work is equivalent to magic tricks and make-believe – or so it feels to me.  It was good to feel the vibration of the earth again, something I hadn’t paid attention to in years, and it was so revitalizing to be free to notice the colors of the earth’s energy again, also something I hadn’t done since I was very young, and only ever did again when I was in massage school.  In the meantime we stopped at different highly energized areas amongst the Sedona rocks, normally in places that contained a high concentration of trees that had been struck by lightning due to the area being so conductive, and interestingly enough all those particular trees had been growing in a spiral, as though some force just gripped them and twisted them.  We practiced meditations, reflections, and got to experience a few healing and energy cleansing rituals using burning sage and sound.  Debbie and I each got to share some of our back stories, as well as learning about Mark’s as a cancer survivor (and by “survivor” I don’t mean thanks to chemo but rather to self-reflection and a change of heart and mind that brought him to where he is today) and his interesting thoughts on that subject.  I shared my own experiences about how my birth experience with Harlee really pulled the rug out from under me, shattering my faith and rocking my belief system, but ultimately brought me on one of the biggest, most life-changing spiritual journeys I’d ever imagined going on.  We talked about how our most important lessons and personal evolution in life come from our most traumatic experiences, if we choose to allow the trauma to be a teacher and grow from it rather than be crippled by it.  Other important reminders were brought up as well, like how directing our attention on positive things can allow those positive things to come to us – don’t focus on what we DON’T want, but rather direct our attention to what we DO want.  Like, if you’re against war, then focus on things that promote peace rather than protesting war.  If you want better health, don’t focus on the illness you want to avoid, but rather the energy and strength and vitality of feeling healthy that you do want to experience.  And, on a more controversial note but one I feel strongly about – if you’re against abortion, don’t picket and protest outside of abortion clinics, but rather direct that energy in a more positive direction and support orphanages, or volunteer your time in finding ways to protect and care for the children that are born to mothers who can’t care for them and would have otherwise chosen abortion due to that reason.

A little off-topic, I guess, but still those are some things I’ve always felt strongly about, and it was nice to be reminded of that simple concept of staying focused on the positive things you support, rather than the negative things you’re against.  I hope it might provide a bit of food for thought for my readers, perhaps.

Energy clearing with sound

and with sage

Trees struck by lightning

How some of the trees grow in the energy vortexes

Soaking in some of the vortex energy

One of the areas of crystal and iron oxide grid patterns

Beautiful Sedona scenery

The sunset created a cool light show on the Sedona rocks

Climbing around on some of the rock formations before it got too dark out

After the tour, I felt pretty overwhelmed.  I almost had a headache from everything I took in that day, and so much to process in my mind.  We didn’t do much that evening, just checked out a crystal shop in Sedona and bought a few souvenirs, and then watched the sun set at Airport Mesa before heading back to Phoenix where we grabbed some dinner and crashed at the hotel.

Saturday we went to a Health and Fitness expo for the marathon, and then spent the day in Cottonwood, one of my favorite towns in the area (I swear I’ll retire there someday – I have a dream of being a snowbird with Justin and never seeing winter again…).  We visited the Native American ruins of Tuzigoot (which I wanted to go to simply because the name was funny, and it turned out to be pretty cool) and then checked out the shops along the street of old Cottonwood.  We went to bed early that night, as Sunday was an early morning for us.

Tuzigoot

 A couple of weeks before the trip, I thought about how I’d be going to the Rock & Roll Marathon to support my friends as they crossed the finish line after running the half marathon.  But what was I going to do up until they crossed the finish?  I thought it sure would be fun if the event also had a smaller event, like a 5 or 10k to run.  I looked into it, and sure enough they offered a mini marathon, which was a 5.4 mile run that started and finished at the same places as the half marathon.  So, on a whim, I signed up for it!  Even though I hadn’t actually run any kind of distance since early December… but I figured, if anything I’d just walk part of it if I had to.  I was PUMPED.  This would be my first time participating in this kind of event – even though the mini marathon isn’t timed or anything, I’d still get to be part of the atmosphere of the bigger races.  The cool thing was that the entire event ended in the same location – the mini marathon and the half marathon as well as the full, the bike race, and the relay race which all started back in Phoenix (the end of the event was in Tempe).  So I’d get to cross the finish line with EVERYone.

So Sunday we got up bright and early and my uncle dropped Debbie and I off at the start line where we met up with Kelly and Patty.  Debbie took pictures as we gathered in our corral, and we got to start the run together, which was awesome.  The first 2.5 miles were spent together, which made them go by so fast and I didn’t even noticed we had covered that much distance.  The mini marathon runners then split from the half marathon course, and off I trotted to the 3 mile marker, and I realized I just ran a 5k without really even noticing it.  I jogged on over to the 4 mile marker, and suddenly it dawned on me, I’m running this whole damn thing without stopping!  I called Justin to pass a little time, and by 5 miles realized I only had 0.4 miles left to run, and I picked up the pace.  I crossed the bridge to find everyone there supporting the WHOLE event, screaming and cheering and blaring their horns and rattling their noisemakers and waving their banners and signs, the road was painted with “You’re almost there!” and “RUN!” as I approached the finish line, and as I got closer I actually started getting choked up.  There was so much to take in, and I was so proud of myself for this accomplishment – my longest distance to date – and under certain conditions that I’ll write about in a future blog post but most of you probably already know :) – it was an amazing feeling.  An empowering feeling.  Almost overwhelmingly so.

Waiting to run (and trying to keep warm)

Cheese!

Starting line

I loved this

I finished!

Go us!!

I made my way over to the “family reunion” area where I was supposed to meet Debbie, but she wasn’t there yet, so I plopped down in the grass and just took everything in as I rehydrated and ate.  I thought about how I’d gotten to this point – from talking myself out of booking the flight, to the divine intervention that I’m so glad I recognized and followed, to reading that book, to the vortex tour, to just BEING here in Arizona, my favorite part of the country, after a rough ending to the year last year… just recharging the batteries and recognizing that life really is good, even if it sucks sometimes.  And making the best of things, seeing the silver linings, and making positive changes when things happen to try to bring you down.  That’s the theme of this whole journey, I guess, from 2011 when Harlee was born – not letting a bad thing destroy you, but instead rising from the ashes and becoming even stronger than before.  Funny how that’s the story of the phoenix – and here I was, in Phoenix…

Anyway.  I had a pretty good high after that run, but was pretty sore, too.  I met up with Debbie (who had her own pretty cool experience while she waited for me, by “chance” meeting this woman who had a really interesting life story and outlook – sounds like they had an awesome conversation), and we waited for Kelly and Patty to cross the finish line.  Once reunited, we headed into town and found a place to eat (after the run and all the reflection, at that point all I could think about was a big juicy cheeseburger), then hopped on the air rail and rode back into Phoenix.  Debbie and I spent the rest of the day shopping in Scottsdale, where I picked up some more souvenirs including a wind chime for the new house, books for Harlee and my niece, a little cactus kit that we’d plant when I got home, and some other goodies.  I took advantage of the jetted tub at the hotel that night and soaked in a bath of Epsom salts, which fortunately helped my sore muscles quite a bit and I wasn’t nearly as crippled the next morning as I was afraid I’d be!

My uncle and Debbie dropped me off at the airport early the next morning where I met up with Kelly and Patty.  We were going home.  And I was ready by that point.

Planting our cactus

I’ll be honest – the first couple of days I was down there I almost felt angry that I didn’t push harder to get Justin to move with me.  When we first met, I had already decided I was going to attend massage school in Arizona and start my life over down there.  I’d always been drawn to the area and felt a sense of belonging in the atmosphere.  The weather was perfect, the scenery was perfect, and that part of the country seemed much more welcoming and accepting of my natural lifestyle and desire to be healthy – organic food was easy to come by, as were herbal remedies and alternative health options.  That’s not so easy to find in the Midwest.  Then, as if by some twist of fate, Justin popped into my life and for some reason insisted I rethink my plans to move and consider going to school in St. Louis instead.  I tried to talk him into moving down to Arizona with me instead, if he was that determined to stay with me, but somehow he won out and I stayed put.  Now that I have a kiddo I’m glad to have family nearby, but there’s still a part of me that wonders… what if…  But after a weekend down there, starting out feeling frustrated that I didn’t push him harder to move with me instead, I ended up finding myself grateful for how things played out.  What kind of challenge would there be in life had I moved to an environment that was so easy for me to live my lifestyle in?  Here in Southern Illinois I have the opportunity to educate people on natural lifestyle choices, open people’s minds to alternative medicine, and encourage people to make healthy eating choices – and what that even means.  It’s hard to come by in this area, but instead of running away from it, it’s nice to know that maybe I can help bring it about.  It’s hard, but that’s how we grow stronger – through our challenges.

It was a very empowering experience and a much-needed trip.  I must say I encourage everyone to find the opportunity to get away and have a little self-discovery and recharge the batteries every once in awhile.  You can survive being away from your family for a short period of time, and they’ll survive without you.  I think it’s so important to remain connected to yourself and take care of yourself in order to provide the best care to your loved ones.  I know it did our whole family a lot of good for me to get away for a bit.  And I’m already encouraging Justin to go on another hunting trip whenever he wants!  And on the same note, go on trips just he and I, without kids along, to recharge our marriage too.  The Mexico trip last summer showed us how important that is, and my Arizona trip showed me how important me-time is.  And it also reminded me that if I want something in life that isn’t really all that far-fetched, then just quit making excuses and go for it!