Sorry for being out of touch, missing some Guilt-Free Fridays and not sharing any advice with you. It's been nuts lately, and I'm trying to get back into the swing of things after the emotional roller coaster I've just been on.
I had a really bad week a couple weeks ago. And there were no herbs, remedies, essential oils, or techniques that were going to make it any better. Well, a bit of good ol' fashioned talk therapy did help keep me grounded so I could keep pushing through, but sometimes life just pees on us, and there's nothing we can do about it.
I wasn't really going to talk about it until another
blogger friend wrote about a strangely similar experience, and I felt so much... better... knowing that I wasn't alone. I wrote to her to thank her for the post and she encouraged me to share my story too, making a very good point that if more people felt comfortable opening up about their experiences, there would actually be more of a support system available, which is so true.
So you all know we're in the brunt of building a house. And anyone who's built a house or done any sort of remodeling work knows how hectic that can be. Justin's been laid off so he's been spending as much time as possible on the house (so I still really don't get to see him), and therefore I've been in single mom mode. Which is okay, I've gotten into the groove and Harlee's much easier to care for than a newborn. But it's still hard trying to stay on top of the new house progress, making decisions for it (what kind of brick, what kind of shingles to match, what kind of soffits to match, what kind of windows and what color casing, what style grills in the windows, what kind of front door, what color hardware for the front door, same thing with the patio doors, etc., etc., etc., kinda get what I'm saying?) and at the same time taking care of a two-year-old, making sure he's attended to while I'm at work, running a business, and staying on top of paying the bills, cooking dinner, doing laundry, and cleaning the house we currently live in. And exercising on a somewhat regular basis, which I've found is a necessity in my life. And I can't forget about staying on top of this blog, which is gaining in popularity (so cool!), and also preparing for and promoting the new classes I'm teaching at ClassOnMain in Red Bud. I've still got room on my plate for a few more things, don't I?? Then recently a close family member got sick. So I've had to rearrange my schedule and at the same time harbor concern...
Then on August 5th I got a positive pregnancy test. I was sooooo excited. I actually felt emotionally ready to have another child after the
trauma of Harlee's birth, and I definitely felt physically ready. So now not only was I experiencing building a house, running a business, and the current household, and staying active, all while caring for a two-year-old, I got to be pregnant on top of it. And ya know what? I could handle it. I had this. It was a LOT on my plate, but it was all good stuff. I was ready to embrace it. I altered my workouts to adjust to my changing body, and everything went really smoothly. Hardly any morning sickness, no pains, just fatigue. Off to a great start! We decided to keep this a secret though. We told everyone WAY too soon for my comfort when we found out about Harlee - I needed time to process the idea of being pregnant, to let it sink in how much my life was going to change, because I was not ready to be pregnant at ALL that time. It was nice to keep it our secret this time. My favorite part was being able to go on through life normally - nobody asking me how I was feeling, or about my prenatal care and plans, or anything having to do with being pregnant. I got to be normal, just like I was before.
Then our ill family member wound up in the hospital on Monday, September 9th. And then that night I started having cramps. And blood. And some intense low back pain. And the cramps started coming in waves, one right after the next, and I knew... I knew what was happening. Justin held together pretty well - took over with Harlee, made dinner, cleaned house, and I struggled in silence as the cramps got worse. And when it was all over, I knew that was just it. It was all over.
The next day, the 10th, was our 3 year anniversary. Go figure. I was an emotional mess. It worked out pretty conveniently that I already had an appointment scheduled with my counselor. I definitely needed therapy that day. We talked about how different the two pregnancies were. How I would have been relieved to miscarry the first time (which probably sounds like a horrible thing to say but, sorry, it's the truth and I'm not the only one out there that feels that way sometimes). I was so NOT ready to be a mom when Harlee showed up in our lives. I was bitter and reluctant about it. I obviously grew into the idea, but the first couple months I would have been grateful to be let off the hook. I don't care how horrible that sounds, it was how I felt. I wasn't ready, just like a lot of unexpected first-time moms probably don't feel "ready". I met that pregnancy with anger and resentment. Of course it all changed later. And I wouldn't trade Harlee for anything, and ultimately he's been such a blessing and has changed my life and our lives in such wonderful ways. But I didn't always feel that way. This time, however, I was excited to be pregnant again. Harlee was going to be a big brother. He'd have a friend to grow with. We would be done after two kids, so this would be the last time I'd be experiencing pregnancy. I could get on with my life and my business, and watch these two grow into amazing people. I was excited and ready. We got an ultrasound on September 3rd, and got to see the little bean, and the little fluttering heartbeat, and I felt so much love... I never felt that when Harlee was on the way, which I feel bad saying... But it makes such a difference to be READY for a pregnancy. Seeing that ultrasound made this that much more REAL, and I was that much more excited. The new baby would be born in the early part of May, and I started thinking about changes in my business, how maybe I'd take maternity leave and close up my office completely, then move to a ground level office when I came back in July, and I was so excited for the year ahead. We didn't tell ANYone about this, except four friends and people directly related to my healthcare. Everything about this whole experience was so great.
Until Monday the 9th. When the cramps hit, and the blood kept coming. Not to mention it was two weeks before the anniversary of Justin's dad's death, which is always an emotional time for him anyway, so the next day being our anniversary... We weren't exactly in the mood to celebrate. I scheduled another ultrasound just to know for sure what I already knew in my heart, and sure enough, there was the leftover of a bean, with no more flutter...
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| Sharpies work well when corkscrews are unavailable... |
It felt good to finally just cry with Justin. And we cried a lot after that. We did go on a date together that evening, and that night we sat out by a lake with a bottle of wine from one of our favorite wineries (an anniversary gift from Justin's mom, which I thought I'd have to wait until next year to drink... I would have been okay with that...). It was healing to just reflect on everything. And we realized we should take this time now to keep our relationship strong. I'll admit, we were trying for this baby. By the time he or she was born, the house would be finished and we could enjoy our family of four in it. But "trying" for a baby takes away from the other important elements of a relationship, like love and care and joy. So we've agreed not to "try" anymore. We're going to enjoy our love for one another and we're going to trust that whenever we're meant to be parents to a second child, that second child will come along. Just like Harlee did.
The cramps didn't subside until Wednesday afternoon. Those following days after Monday were hard, as crap just kept coming up. More bad news from the family member in the hospital, my supplements arrived in the mail that I had ordered so I could have the healthiest pregnancy possible, and EVERY BODY on Facebook was posting pictures of their babies or talking about how they were excited to be pregnant again, etc., etc., etc. People would casually ask us when we're going to try for a second, and I now have a new understanding of how couples with fertility issues feel when they're asked questions like that.
In fact, I have a new respect for this kind of thing all around. I'm the kind of person that if I grew old without ever having children, I wouldn't feel like I missed out on something, or that I was at a loss. My life has always been very full and fulfilling. I have a successful business, I have great friends, I have a beautiful relationship with a wonderful man, and we've got many adventures ahead of us. Harlee definitely adds something special to my life, and I wouldn't trade him for anything, but he isn't what completes me - someday he's going to grow up and leave us. If I had nothing else to live for but him, where would I be?
That being said, I hate to say I honestly couldn't understand before how a miscarriage could be so devastating. On top of that, they happen ALL the TIME. But now I get it. They are devastating. If you were really excited to have that new addition to your family, that is.
I've been thinking a lot about how different everyone is. How every woman and every family's experiences vary so greatly from one another. I do feel like there should be less judgment and more compassion around this subject. I shouldn't have to feel bad for feeling like a miscarriage wouldn't have been a bad thing for me the first time around. It would have been a relief, because I genuinely did not feel ready to become a mother. And now I feel it's so unfair that I DID miscarry at a time that I DID feel ready, and how backwards this is. And how unfair it is that I have no trouble getting pregnant when I don't care one way or another whether I become a mother or not, and some people desperately want to have children and struggle for years with fertility.
We all have battles to fight. And, if we go into those battles with less fear and anger and instead realize that the tough times are only making us stronger, then we find a way through it, and we DO become stronger. Everyone's battles are different though. What's important to one person isn't going to be what's important to another. And that doesn't make anyone right or wrong. We all need support and encouragement, and we all need to feel loved and accepted. I don't want to feel wrong about how I am as a parent or a person in general. I honor the feelings I had when I was pregnant with Harlee. They were real and they were mine. It doesn't change the love I have for him now though. And now that I've seen the other side - the pain of loss of a pregnancy I DID want - I feel a little more compassionate towards the people going through the same thing when before I honestly just didn't get it.
Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that. I also believe we're only dealt what we're strong enough to deal with. Sometimes I guess the Universe must think I'm pretty strong, but then I look at other people's battles and think, ya know, I'm pretty fortunate. I just got slammed with a lot of bad crap all at once, but it's not like I'm living my whole life in constant turmoil.
And that leads to one last thought I had about all this. It's all about your attitude. Wednesday, after my cramps let up and I instinctually felt like that was the end of the worst of them, I decided it's time to turn things around. Yeah, a bunch of crap happened all at once and it all sucks, but there's nothing I can do about it but keep pressing forward and make the best of the good things in my life. Like my amazing husband, wonderful two-year-old, successful business, and the excitement of building a new house. There's a tattoo I had been wanting to get earlier in the year, but never really got the guts to just DO it, then I became pregnant and COULDN'T do it, so after all this happened I decided, what better time than now?
It's a blended symbol of the
elephant-headed god Ganesh in eastern religions, and the
sacred sound of Om. A friend of mine was using this symbol to help in her own life earlier in the year, and it's been on my mind ever since. Ganesh is the remover of obstacles and bringer of wisdom, which is a pretty appropriate meaning for me right now. I had it done on Wednesday, and after I left I felt empowered - I did something just for me, as a symbol that I am strong and I can heal and move forward from difficult times, and I felt like, yes, I've got this. Crap will happen in life, but it's my attitude about it that will create the obstacles, so from here on out, new attitude.
Thursday was still a little hard and emotional, but I honored those feelings. I allowed myself to cry, and it felt good to let it out. By Friday I felt cleansed. The bleeding had subsided, my new tattoo felt healed, and so did my heart. It was my first day back to do
CrossFit again (and do it as a normal person, no modifications), and I was excited. It felt so good, and I felt amazing afterwards. I also had a hilarious conversation with the gals that came in to work out after me. I feel like with my positive attitude, I can attract good things, like a good start to my day, the funny conversation we had, and all other good things in my life.
So that's my story. I hope it helps anyone who may be going through their own tough time. I also hope it helps to serve as a reminder that we've all got battles, and we may not understand why one person struggles with something we personally find simple, but we still need to have respect. Don't ever feel bad about the way you feel - they're your feelings, honor them and respect them. We need to be here for one another, no matter what our battles may be, big or small, ongoing or short-term, and support each other with kindness and compassion, whether we can relate to what others are going through or not.
Lastly, and this is more a note to our families reading this: since we hadn't told anyone about this pregnancy, we decided not to tell anyone about the miscarriage, and I am sharing our story with the sole intention of helping others. We'd prefer not to talk about this openly unless it's to help others who have gone through something similar. We have healed together, and while we appreciate your sympathies, we want to move forward rather than reflect on the past and bring up the pain. We don't mean to offend anyone whom we haven't told personally about this; it's our choice in how we handle it and we felt this was best for us. Thanks for understanding :)
The original recipe came from Comfy Belly, and I tweaked it to work with what I had on hand, for example the original recipe called for yogurt, and since we limit dairy here at our house, I didn't have any of that in my fridge, so I used almond milk instead. It turned out good, but runny and the finished product tasted amazing but was super soft. This would probably do well as a pancake recipe. So I decided a little coconut flour might help the situation, and I ended up changing the whole thing. And it turned out pretty darn good. Yay!
