Guilt-Free Friday: Birthday Cake!

This turned out soooooo amazingly good.  Unfortunately I can't claim it as my own, someone else gets to take credit for the genius behind it, so here's the original recipe.

It's the same recipe I used for the amaretto cake I made for Justin's birthday, only I modified it (obviously), and the chocolate cake I made for my birthday (also modified, also obvious, haha).  This time, however, I followed the recipe, and the only modification I made was the addition of chocolate chips.  Which was a very successful modification!  Can't go wrong with chocolate chips! Oh and I used almond milk instead of coconut, and I changed the baking soda from the original recipe to baking powder.  I'm needing to do some more research on that, but I've been told from different sources that baking soda should not be eaten.  It's only for cleaning.  It's definitely a damn good cleaner... But I'm interested to learn more about avoiding it in food!

I made it the day before, because I've found from the last two cakes that they taste WAY better the next day. I don't know what it is, I guess the flavors just infuse and have their own little cake party over the 24 hour span, so when it's time for you to eat it all you've got is fun and happiness!

And yeah, it was good.  We went out to eat to celebrate our ground-breaking on the new house and for Mr. Harlee's birthday with my grandma and some family friends, and one friend of the family turned his nose up at the idea of a "healthy" birthday cake, wondering how it can possibly be good.  After eating it, I definitely saw a look of amazement on his face, and I'm pretty sure I heard him use the word "amazing" as well.  Oh yeah.

So, here's what you do:

Preheat oven to 350º
4 eggs
3/4 cup almond milk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 cup palm sugar
1/2 cup almond flour
1/2 cup coconut flour
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp Stevia

3/4 cup chocolate chips

1. In a large bowl, whisk together eggs, almond milk, vanilla extract and palm sugar.
2. Add in the almond flour, coconut flour, salt, baking powder, and stevia. Mix it all together, then stir in the chocolate chips.

3. Grease an 8x8 inch baking dish and pour in batter.
4. Bake for 30 minutes, or until a knife stuck in the middle comes out clean.

I iced it with half the peanut butter icing recipe from my chocolate birthday cake, which made it even more amazing.  Yeah, this was a pretty fabulous experience.  And better yet, we got to eat the leftovers for breakfast.  Because it's good for us.  Win!

Birthday Reflections and Future Projections

Happy birthday to my wonderful little 2-year-old!!  He's napping at the moment, after a long, hot morning of digging a basement.  Yay!!  I'm so excited about starting this new chapter of our lives.  It's finally here!  We're building a house!!  It's the moment I've been thinking about for YEARS now, and we're finally doing it!!  And what a perfect day to start, too.  Harlee, lover of heavy machinery that he is, gets to watch all this excitement take place on his very own birthday.

It's special for me too.  I've been reflecting on that quite a bit since we designated July 23rd as our official start date.  I've said this before, and I'll say it again: two years ago today was one of the worst days of my life.  I know it's my son's birthday and all, it's supposed to be joyous occasion, but for me it's bittersweet and filled with very confusing, mixed emotions.  Especially this year.  I've done SO much work healing from my postpartum depression and PTSD, and I've made leaps and bounds in growth as a person since then, and in the past couple of months I've actually been able to say I'm grateful for the traumatic turn of events that was Harlee's birth, because if it weren't for that then I wouldn't be where I am or who I am today.  Last year Harlee's birthday was really hard for me.  It was the one-year anniversary of the death of one of my biggest dreams, yet at the same time the one-year birthday of my perfect, sweet little boy.  I drowned myself in planning a big party with lots of homemade decorations and food and entertainment, and spent all my time focusing on him and his big day.  Even though he'll never remember it.  But that's okay.  Anything I could do to keep it as positive and uplifting as I could, I did it.  But it's not just about him.  I needed to honor that part of me that was completely crushed that my dream died a very tragic death that very same day.  I get so angry when people would tell me, "Well, at least your baby is healthy and safe, that's all that matters."  Folks, if you've never experienced a tragedy, and someone you know had a terrible birth experience, one of the worst things you can say to that mom is "well at least your baby is healthy."  What a great way to devalue a mother.  Sure, Harlee was healthy and safe and alive, but what about me?  I wasn't healthy, physically OR emotionally, doesn't that matter?  I'm supposed to mother this kid, how am I supposed to do that when I'm suffering a huge loss on the inside, and I don't have proper support from anyone to get through it?

Anyway.  Forgive me.  Today I'm reflecting on a lot of emotions I've gone through in the past two years, and I feel like doing that out loud.  Especially in the event that I can help other moms who could be going through similar emotions.  It's a very silent battle we take on.  I feel like we should talk about it.

So, I've found an amazing counselor whom I've been seeing for almost a year, and she's helped me grow and heal SO MUCH from what happened on Harlee's birthday and everything surrounding it, and I expected this year to be different.  This year wouldn't be so much of an "anniversary" and instead I could finally relax and enjoy it as a birthday.  Until about a week or so ago I started getting really moody.  Couldn't figure out why.  I stepped up my running - added more miles, got out more often.  I even started taking St. John's Wort again (my natural happy pills).  Then it dawned on me - maybe I'm not quite done grieving.  Added to the fact that EVERYONE is pregnant right now which means we're being bombarded with questions like "When's it your turn?" "You're next, right?" "When's Harlee going to be a big brother?"  Kinda rubs salt in a wound that's not quite done healing yet.  So, I guess I just need to be kind and patient with myself and allow me a little more time to grieve.  Even though it's been two years.  Even though I've made such huge progress emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and everything in between.  I guess it's normal.  I mean, Justin's dad passed away 14 years ago this September, and he still grieves.  By the way I am so grateful to have him.  He doesn't get EXACTLY what I went through and what I continue to go through, but he's no stranger to the pain and suffering of loss.  If I'm moody because of the memory of my trauma, he's patient and understanding.  Only difference is that his loss and grieving is common - everyone understands it.  Mine?  Not so much.  Another reason I'm talking openly about it.  Just spreading a little understanding (or trying to, anyway).

Today, however, is a very very special day.  Today I feel like a new chapter has started.  Today is Harlee's birthday, a day to celebrate his life, all the blessings he's brought us, the lessons he's taught us, and the many new levels of love, insanity, joy, rage, and emotions that don't even have labels yet, both wonderful and terrible.  And how amazing and fun and incredible it is to feel such a huge spectrum of emotion, all because of this one kid.

And how perfect is it that we get to start the adventure of our new home on this very day!  For me, it makes this day easier.  It's a new anniversary.  We're starting a new journey, a new adventure.  It's time to move gently into new realms, and kindly say farewell to the old, with gratitude for all that it gave us.  It's a day to truly focus on the blessings we have in our lives.  To remember that there's a Divine Plan for everything that happens.  Anything bad that we've ever experienced has only helped build us into better, stronger people.  And now we get to build a house, and build many more new adventures in it.  And I'm really, really excited :)

P.S. Stay tuned for Harlee's birthday cake recipe this Friday!!

Running: A Guide to Getting Started for the Intimidated, Out-Of-Shape, Busy Mom

I was sitting on the couch one morning last week thinking, "I should run." But Justin said he had a lot of weed-eating to catch up on, making him unavailable to keep Harlee while I'm out, and running with the stroller sounds less and less appealing anymore.  I do it if I HAVE to, but I've been spoiled with Justin being home more often.  So I decided I probably wouldn't go.  'Cause sometimes I'm lazy like that.  And I was feeling lame about it and all down on myself. Then about a half hour later Justin said, "Aren't you going to run?" Well, alright then, I guess so! Yay for not feeling lame anymore!  So I threw my hair in a ponytail and pulled on my running gear and out the door I went.  And I realized I waited too long because it was a pretty toasty run... but it felt GREAT and I was so glad I didn't make up my mind to just sit on the couch all morning.

As I was running I was thinking about how far I've come.  And how many people might still be in the same shoes I was in when I first started out.  Completely intimidated and unsure of where to even begin.  Feeling out of shape and lazy and stuck.  So I thought, I'll create a little guide for new moms to get their sexy back!  It'll be written as though I'm writing it to myself, so insert your own phrasing to suit yourself and your situation where necessary.

So.  You had a baby maybe six or so months ago, or a year ago, and you're feeling like a fatty.  You could go to a gym... but if you're like me your local gym doesn't have child care.  So whatever you decide to do it has to be done with your kid.  You could get some work out DVDs and pop them in when kiddo is napping or after he/she has gone to bed at night.  But I could never stay motivated with those things.  If you don't have that problem then go for it!  Me?  I had a jogging stroller.  Looks like the only option I had as far as exercise goes was putting it to use.  One problem: I don't run.  I don't like it, I don't do it, I never wanted to do it, no thank you.  But, if I was going to get my flabby butt back in shape, I'd better start figuring out this running thing.  Me, the kiddo, and the jogging stroller were gonna have to become a team, 'cause that's all I had at the moment.

This is the jogging stroller/carseat set I've got from BabyTrend.  It's served us well!

If you don't have a jogging stroller, go get one or borrow one.


If you're at home already, good! If your time-management skills are a little out of shape too, then it's time to get creative. I ran in the evenings.  Sure I was tired from working AND being a mom, but it was time to put that aside.  It was either sit on the couch and be lazy because "I deserved it" after a long day and keep complaining about being fat, or get out and do something about being fat. Usually Harlee would fall asleep in his stroller, so it worked out great to put him in his PJs, get him ready for bed, and transfer him into bed when I was finished running.

Stretch.  This is important.  Grab your ankle from behind you and pull your quads into a good stretch.  Put the balls of your feet at the edge of a stair and drop your heels down for a calf stretch.  Cross one ankle over your knee and bend into a squat for a good glute/hip stretch.  Hold these for a few breaths each.

Now get dressed, put some sunscreen and/or bugspray on your kid and/or yourself (depending on the time of day, climate, and season), pack a drink for both of you and a snack if your kid is a toddler, and start walking.  Walk a little faster than you normally would.  Breathe steady, in through your nose and out through your mouth.  Start appreciating that you're OUT here, getting your work-out on, getting started, working your way towards awesome!  With a kid and all, which makes you MORE awesome!

When you feel good and warmed up from walking, start jogging, but baby steps.  Take it easy.  Feel it out.  Don't go too fast or you'll wear yourself out that much faster.  See how far you can make it - once you feel like you reach that point that your chest is going to explode and you'll keel over right there, crank out a few more steps and then slow down.  Try to keep your breathing steady.  I walked/jogged in my neighborhood, which is a big loop, and one lap is 1/3 of a mile.  One part was a good straight-away, so I challenged myself to jog the length of the straight away and then I had the rest of the loop to catch my breath.  Then I worked my way up to jogging around the corner.  Then I split it up - walked 1/4, jogged 1/4, walked 1/4, jogged 1/4 of each lap.  I knew 3 laps was a mile, so that was convenient.  You're going to have to work at it, but you'll get there!  You have to start somewhere! You'll be huffing and puffing and feeling absolutely ridiculous, gasping for breath and sweating profusely, but it's so worth it.  Keep at it.  Before I knew it, I was jogging half and walking half, then suddenly I was able to complete a full lap so I was able to jog a lap, walk a lap, jog a lap.

Set some goals for yourself.  "In x number of weeks I want to be able to jog one mile without stopping." or "By mm/dd I want to be able to jog a mile in 30 minutes."  That way you have something to work towards and keep yourself motivated.  Weigh and measure yourself before you start, then come back and do it again in a couple weeks or a month.  Looking back and seeing your progress is always a good motivator, rather than looking at your goal all the time and feeling like it's soooo far away.

I've come to the point where running is my priority now, and I make it happen at least 3-4 times a week.  If Justin is home, I'll leave Harlee with him and get out.  Or make him come with me :-). If he's working, I'll take the stroller or make my runs coincide with his schedule.  It's awesome too because I can get two miles done in under 20 minutes, and 20 minutes is hardly any time to be gone at all!  I still have goals to meet, but after a year of keeping at this I'm very proud of where I am and how I feel.  This has improved my moods, it has improved my desire to eat healthy, it has improved my ability to play with my kid and keep up with his energy levels, it has improved my sleep; I've benefited tremendously by adding this mode of exercise into my life.

I am blessed with the flexibility of being able to add in some time for personal training now that Harlee is a bit older.  But before my time-management skills were adjusted and my life didn't have room for that yet, running was the one thing that fit and the one thing I know I'll be able to keep up with.  In the neighborhood, on our lane at the farm, or in town if I just pack up the stroller and drive to the destination.  It's easy to work it into your life if you put your mind to it.  I'm glad I put my "I'm not a runner!" attitude aside and sucked it up and tried it.  Hopefully this helps if you're a busy mom with a few extra pounds and a desire to DO something about it! Good luck!!

Guilt-Free Friday: Grain-Free Lasagna

Another one of my very own creations.  I couldn't stop eating this, it was soooooooo good.  I'm pretty excited about it!  I was craving lasagna one day last week and had an "I-kinda-miss-pasta" moment... But not for long! No, sir, if I can make a pizza crust out of cauliflower, I can certainly find a way to replace lasagna noodles!

And replace them I did.

I recalled some recipes I had run across in the past that called for thinly sliced zucchini in place of the noodles, and decided I'd run with that.  Someday I'd like to experiment with making substitutes for cheeses, but for now... Well, baby steps. That's the only dairy I have left in my life, so I think I've made some good progress! And let me tell you, Harlee had some mild eczema on the backs of his knees, and since we've significantly cut back on dairy at home it's been clearing up... Interesting...

Anyway. Lasagna. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.  Here's what you need:

1 medium zucchini, sliced thin length-wise

1lb ground meat of choice (preferably grass-fed!!)

1 small yellow onion, chopped

2 cloves of garlic, minced or pressed

1 12oz can tomato sauce

1 tbsp Italian seasoning

1 cup ricotta cheese

1 cup mozzarella cheese, shredded

1/2 cup Parmesan cheese, grated

1 egg, beaten

Extra Parmesan/mozzarella cheese for topping

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees.  Place the thinly sliced zucchini on a parchment paper-lined baking sheet in a single layer (you'll probably need two sheets) and place them in the oven.  Bake for about 10 minutes.  This removes a lot of the moisture from them and makes them more like an al dente lasagna noodle.  Mmmmm...

While those are baking, start browning your beef in a skillet over medium heat.  Add in the onion, garlic, and Italian seasoning half-way through cooking.  Add in the tomato sauce and combine thoroughly.

Combine the three cheeses and the egg.

Turn the oven down to 350 degrees when the zucchini is done.  In a greased 8x8 baking dish, put down a layer of zucchini.  Spread some of the cheese mixture over the zucchini slices.  Top that with some of the beef mixture.  Follow with another layer of zucchini, then cheese, then beef.  Zucchini, cheese, beef.  Then top the whole thing with the remaining mozzarella and Parmesan cheese.  Place in the oven, maybe with a baking sheet underneath (mine was bursting at the seams and bubbled over while baking).  Bake for about 15-20 minutes.

Let cool, serve, and enjoy!

You may want to experiment with different fillings, like a veggie lasagna with whatever vegetables you can chop and sauté and stuff in there, or chicken with a white sauce, or seafood with a white sauce, or eggplant instead of zucchini (that would give it a different texture and taste though, but still good I'm sure!).  Lots of ideas! I was very pleased with the zucchini though.  It felt like biting into a lasagna noodle, and really didn't offer much taste that threw me off, so I definitely satisfied my lasagna craving with this one! Yay!

Happy cooking!

Guilt-Free *Monday* - Caramel

This is how guilty I felt for leaving you all hanging these past few Fridays.  I'm posting a recipe on a Monday.  This is also how excited I am about my grain-free lasagna, that I'm getting the caramel recipe out of the way so this Friday is open for that post!

This caramel is soooooo good.  Not only is it a great dip, but I have intentions of using it in the future - mixed with coconut milk ice cream (once I experiment with that), worked into cookies, etc.  It was a hit at my healthy eating class at ClassOnMain on June 14th - everyone seemed to love it!  I know I did!

I took the recipe from Edible Harmony, and the only change we made was switching out the coconut milk for almond milk.  We made both versions, but we made our own coconut milk the first time, which turned out awesome but was quite the process... Also it still gave the caramel a bit of a coconutty flavor, which we figured not everyone would like.  So I do recommend almond milk for this.  I must say, though, it's starting to feel strange posting other people's recipes on my blog, when I've been coming up with so many of my own lately.  But I'll be making up for that this Friday!

Here's the scoop:

1/2 cup dates, packed firmly
1/2 cup of full fat coconut milk, canned or homemade, or almond milk
2 tbsp of maple syrup
1 tbsp of coconut oil (unrefined is better for you but tastes like coconut, so I usually use refined just to avoid that extra flavor)
1/3 to 1/2 tsp of sea salt

Soak the dates in the milk for about an hour, or not if your blender is strong enough.
Put the dates, salt, coconut oil, maple syrup and half of the milk in a blender, and turn it on medium speed.  Add more milk as you go until you get the consistency you like.  Less = thicker, more = thinner.
Dunk some apple slices in it and enjoy!

Vacation and the Importance of Kid-Free Time

Trying to get back into the swing of things, here.  Sorry I left you hanging on my Guilt-Free Fridays.  I'll do a Guilt-Free post soon, because I need to share that caramel recipe with you AND my new grain-free lasagna recipe.  But first I wanted to tell you how our trip was and some thoughts I had about it.  We had a great time!  My stomach didn't think so, and I'm pretty sure a handful of others felt the same way, so my natural first aid kit came in handy while we were there, especially the peppermint oil!  Lots of upset stomachs were eased after applying it!  Luckily I didn't need to use many of the other things, but it's better to be safe than sorry!



We went zip-lining at Xplor, which was a park we had visited on our honeymoon so it was great to come back again, especially in under three years!

Our friends got married on the beach on Wednesday the 26th and it was absolutely beautiful, and we had a great time celebrating!  Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Jones!

We did some kayaking out on the ocean, which is always a neat experience!  Nothing very exciting happened like last year when we went kayaking in Florida and had a manatee encounter, though, but it was still fun!

 We did a lot of snorkeling too (only without the snorkel, I find that thing to be a nuisance sometimes...).  It really is a different world under the water, almost kinda creepy in a way... but amazing at the same time!

Best of all, though, we got to be just us.  Jami and Justin.  Not mom and dad, not Jami, LMT (well, except when a friend slept wrong and couldn't turn his head the next day...), just Jami and Justin.  Of course we missed little man, but not terribly.  He was in good hands with my mom, Justin's mom, my grandma, and Justin's sister, and we had a week to just "recharge the batteries" as some friends of ours put it.  I feel like it's SO important for parents to take the time to do this.  I never realized how consuming kids can be.  To the point where you lose sight of what made you a couple.  You get sucked into the responsibilities of child-rearing and keeping up with a household to the point where you lose that original flame that bonded the two of you in the first place.  Sometimes the flame even goes out completely.  Fortunately that's never happened to us - we've made regular dates a priority for the two of us, getting a babysitter for the afternoon or evening and leaving to get sushi or pedicures (yep, my big manly husband is HOOKED on them, and I love it!), or we've left him overnight for wedding receptions or late-night parties.  But a whole WEEK was something new.  We didn't have to think about feeding anyone but ourselves, clothing anyone but ourselves, diaper changes, naps, bathtime, scheduling babysitters, pickup from the babysitters, etc. etc., for a whole WEEK.  It was refreshing, to say the least.  I love my husband.  Marrying him was definitely the best decision I ever made.  Harlee just sets us in stone, and while he's little and needs us more than he ever will his whole entire life, we need to remember that someday he won't need us.  Someday he'll spread his wings and leave the nest, and all that will be left is me and Justin.  So we better stay connected so we know how to interact with each other when that day comes!

I think it's so healthy for the kids when mom and dad have some time off, too.  Sure kiddos are wonderful and fun and make life so much more full and vibrant than ever before, but my god can they be stressful.  Diaper blow-outs, communication struggles, tantrums (especially in public places), interrupting when you're trying to have a conversation with other adults, and having to make sure they're covered before you make plans for any part of your day (if both parents work).  Exhausting.  Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I signed up for this.  How are you supposed to maintain a relationship with your spouse as a SPOUSE when you're so consumed with being mom and dad?  And if the two of you made the child together, wouldn't it be good for the child to know that you still love each other?  That's how I felt, anyway, when I was a kid.  My parents never really took time to themselves, and very rarely left us to have time just for themselves.  I'll never forget one weekend the went out for their anniversary and we stayed with my grandparents, and we had a blast, and when they came back they seemed so... different.  They were smiling bigger, their eyes were lit back up, and they just seemed happy.  And I thought, wow, they should do that more often.  I keep that in mind now that I'm in their shoes.  I want Harlee to always know how much I love his dad, and that we love each other, because in the end, that just makes our love for him as our child that much stronger.

Anyway, those were just some thoughts I had.  Quite a few people were shocked that we would be leaving Harlee for a whole week, so I wanted to share my point of view on that.  I don't feel bad at all that we left him for a week.  I'm so very glad we did!  I think we did us all a favor by taking that vacation.  It took a little more stress out of our lives, which means Harlee gets the benefit of recharged, happy parents.  And Justin and I got to take some time to reflect on what makes us, us.