Short and Sweet

Well, I just got done getting all of our current bills taken care of (a great feeling that'll last probably until Monday when a new one arrives in the mail) and I've got an hour to spare before my grandma arrives to sit with Harlee so I can take care of THREE back-to-back clients.  THREE.  It's kinda funny that I'm slightly overwhelmed by this, when a year and half ago I was taking like five or six back to back... But after a pregnancy of reduced work load and then a maternity leave and now easing back into the swing of things, three in a row is a lot!  Especially considering I won't be getting home until after 8...  This momma's gonna need to pump big time!  Well, after snuggles and kisses with little man, first :).  I count my blessings every day I'm at work - I love my job, I love what I do, I love helping people, and I LOVE being my own boss.  Right now that might be the best thing about it (with helping people being a close runner-up).  Being in complete control of my business allows me the liberty to schedule people around my time with Harlee, so I don't have to feel guilty being away from him too much but I can still continue to do what I love work-wise.  It's the best of both worlds and I love it.  Unfortunately I booked myself in so much that I don't know how I'm going to find time to work in baking, and I'm so excited to get on that!  I didn't get to last year as I was pregnant and for some reason the thought of anything sweet made me sick...  Not really a bad problem to have though!  And now that Mr. Harlee is here I'm so in the Christmas spirit I don't know what to do with myself!  I've had the tree up since Thanksgiving, I'm humming Christmas carols, I've got my shopping done (almost)...  Amazing what having a baby in the house can do!  Now I just need cookies to add in and I'm good to go!


Well Harlee woke up so I guess this post will have to be short and sweet.  I was going to share an excerpt from my Massage Magazine about doulas but I'll save it for next time.  Until then... Happy weekend!

Picking up the Pieces

It’s been a long time since I’ve written.  I’ve had a few opportunities to write present themselves through the past four months, and I’ve had plenty of ideas of things I wanted to write about, but I just wind up putting it off.  Probably because I’ve been having such a hard time dealing with Harlee’s birth outcome.  I’ll be honest, because I feel strong enough that I can be now – his birth tore me up.  Physically, obviously, but probably more so mentally.  It’s amazing how many moms I’ve talked to, though, who wholeheartedly know how I feel when I say I feel like I’ve turned into a crazy person.  Baby blues is pretty common, but I think most of us like to try to hide it and put on an appearance of strength that we hope everyone will buy into.  I know I did.  I didn’t want anyone to know how poorly I was handling everything, but the more I hid it, the farther and farther I slipped.  Postpartum depression is a serious thing.  It’s scary, it’s painful, and it’s just plain hard.  When Harlee reached about two months old and I realized I wasn’t getting any better I finally sucked it up and sought counseling, and I went weekly for the past two months trying to figure out how to pull myself together and accept the outcome of Harlee’s birth for what it was, even if I still don’t know the reason for it.  I think I’ve been avoiding blogging because I didn’t want to have to admit that I’ve been going to counseling, but now that I feel so much better from it, and after speaking with other mothers who’ve gone through similar feelings after having their babies (ideally and not ideally)  and realizing I’m really not alone, I’m okay admitting it.  And I think everyone who’s gone through what I’ve gone through emotionally should know that it’s okay to seek help.

It’s still hard to think about how everything turned out.  For the longest time I’d find myself feeling slightly resentful of women who got to have their babies naturally, and even worse I’d get so. ANGRY. when I find out that they’d get an epidural too.  I know most people don’t understand this, but the memory of that epidural keeps me up at night, and sometimes even gives me nightmares.  That was probably one of the worst things that happened in the course of events that took place the night of Harlee’s arrival.  I wanted so badly to feel everything, even though labor hurt like hell, and it was all taken away from me.  Then I hear about other women choosing to get them (and yes, I understand why, because holy moly is labor painful) and I’ve honestly just wanted to shake them and shout, “Do you know how lucky you are!!??  You get to experience the birth of your child first-hand, you get to FEEL his or her arrival into this world, the biggest event in your female life, and you’re NUMBING yourself to it??” and it would just make me so angry because I WANTED to feel it and I didn’t get to.  I know this is an unfair way to think, because like I said, I FELT how painful labor is, and without proper help and coaching, I can certainly see why women just simply can’t take it anymore.  Which is why I’m a huge advocate for doulas now.  Having someone there (other than your husband) who GETS it and knows how to talk you through it makes a HUGE difference.  I went from thinking I was dying before my midwife arrived to feeling in control of the pain and excited and peaceful with every wave when she did arrive (she’s a doula too, by the way).  It was incredible.  Yes, it still hurt, but it was a positive experience.  I was getting that much closer to meeting my baby with every one, and that was so empowering.  Girls, if you ever want to have a natural childbirth, HIRE A DOULA.  I can’t stress that enough.  You don’t need drugs when you have proper support.

Anyway.  I’ve gotten better.  I can now feel happy for women who get to have their babies naturally, and proud of the mommas I know who had successful homebirths, rather than resentful.  Another thing that helps is thinking about how everything happens for a reason.  I truly believe that.  My counselor reminded me that sometimes bad things happen to good people, like car accidents or tornadoes or fires, and these things are just out of our control.  This necessary c-section is in that category.  I couldn’t help that Harlee was asynclitic, and since my water had broken already he just didn’t have the buoyancy to correct himself, and it had been broken for so long we really couldn’t do much more.  His heart rate was dropping dangerously, and I should be grateful we had the means to get him out alive.  And I am.  But it takes two to tango, and while Harlee is fine, I wasn’t.  But as I was saying, my counselor helped me by reminding me too that everything happens for a reason, even if we can’t see those reasons right now.  And after categorizing this turn of events with car accidents and natural disasters, I was reminded of my husband, another case of bad things happening to good people.  His father died when my husband was only 17.  I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for him to deal with, especially at such a pivotal age of self-discovery and growth.  To lose someone that close to you during that time in your life, and really any time in life, can be earth-shattering, and how do you pick up the pieces from that?  But he did.  And I really think that losing his father molded his personality into what it is today – it caused him to make decisions he may not have if that hadn’t happened, and it led him in a direction that I really do believe, ultimately, led to me.  And the way his personality was molded from that event I think is what made us so compatible.  And now he’s happily married with a beautiful baby boy, something he’s always wanted.  So, it took eleven years, but something good came of something tragic.  And that really opened my eyes.  Somehow, this trauma I endured will lead me to something wonderful.  Of course having Harlee here alive and healthy is wonderful in and of itself, don’t get me wrong, but like I said before it takes two to tango.  There’s the “mom” side of me, and the “Jami” side, and while the mom-me is happy with a healthy baby, the Jami-me and is not happy with what happened to her personally and physically.  I don’t know if that makes sense, but I don’t know how else to explain it.

Along with counseling I’ve joined two support groups.  One is ICAN – International Cesarean Awareness Network – which is a wonderful organization that works to educate women on the risks and dangers of cesarean birth and how to avoid unnecessary ones.  I’m really glad I started going there – being around other women who KNOW what I’ve gone through and can relate, plus who have had VBACs as well, gives me strength and a sense of hope.  I’ve also joined a small group for homebirth moms who had to transfer to the hospital, which is a group my doula started.  It’s wonderful, because not many people share the dream I had to birth my baby into the safety and sanctity of our own home, much less understand it.  But these girls do, and also share in my hurt and grief in having to lose that dream.

So, slowly but surely, I’m picking up the pieces of my shattered world and continuing on, and it really has been great.  Harlee is such a wonderful baby, and I count my blessings every day that he’s so healthy, so strong, and so happy.  Breastfeeding is still going well too, and like I said in my last post, I feel good that I’m at least capable of doing SOMEthing my body is designed to do, even if I couldn’t birth him naturally.  He’s learned to roll over, he’s sitting supported really well, he’s laughing, and he’s just so darn cute!  Justin’s been wonderful too.  He’s been so patient with me in my period of grief (and believe me, I haven’t been the nicest person to him sometimes…) and he’s really been an inspiration too, because like I said, he knows what it’s like to lose something so dear to your heart, and he’s had his world shattered, and he’s picked up the pieces and grown from it in a positive way.  And I can too.

 My sweet baby boy :)

Photo taken by Be Lovely Photography

The best laid plans of mommies and babies...

So I'm finally finding the time to update this and fill everyone in on our crazy adventure of Harlee's grand entrance into the world.  Which, as all of my Facebook friends can tell by the pictures posted, did NOT go as planned at all.  That's babies for ya, right?  Our childbirth instructor put a slinky in our goodie boxes for class as a reminder to always be flexible, as birth is something you have no control over.  Boy was she right.

I had been having prodromal labor contractions ever since Friday the 15th (I kinda think that was brought on by the full moon) - I'd have rhythmic contractions at night til I went to bed and then they'd stop.  Each day they'd come a little earlier, get a little stronger, but still stop by the time I went to bed.  Very frustrating - it felt like my body was "crying wolf" - getting me excited that I was finally going into labor, only to find out we're still just practicing.  Piled on with the fact that I was past my due date, I was getting very anxious and aggravated!  I was trying things like eating labor cookies I found a recipe for online (they weren't very good) and bouncing on my yoga ball and riding bikes with Justin and rubbing pressure points on my feet and ankles, but nothing seemed to be working.  I kept thinking about my grandma and how her pregnancies lasted 10 months... was that hereditary?  It was beginning to seem like it.

That following Thursday, the 21st, I had good strong contractions starting in the morning, which was new, and they were consistently 10 minutes apart.  I had made an acupuncture appointment to help move things along, so I had my mom drive me to that to be safe, and then I saw the chiropractor that evening.  Anything to get this party started!  Then finally that night the contractions really hit hard - hard enough to make me forget everything I learned in childbirth class for pain coping!  At 4am the contractions were so hard I threw up, causing my water to break, so I sent our midwife a text message to let her know that I think this is finally it!  She came over that morning and very effectively talked me through managing the contractions, and I felt a lot better.  It's amazing how much a little support and encouragement can make a difference.  I honestly didn't expect contractions to be as intense as they were.  Of course I wasn't expecting them to be a walk in the park, but oh. my. god. they were like nothing I'd ever felt before.  With her help, though, I felt so much better.  Of course they were still intense, but I could manage them, and that was a very empowering feeling.  I even smiled through my next intense one, knowing that yes, I can do this!  And we'll be meeting Harlee that much sooner!  It wasn't long before contractions were five minutes apart.  I managed to sleep a little bit between each one, but for some reason I woke up later to the contractions being back to 10 minutes apart.  Our midwife continued to monitor me and we tried different techniques to get labor sped back up again, but nothing worked.  At around 3 we listened to baby's heartbeat during a contraction and noticed that it slowed down significantly towards the end of the contraction, and then recovered shortly thereafter to a normal speed again.  She didn't like how that sounded, and suggested we go immediately to St. Elizabeth's Hospital in Belleville, which is the closest hospital with labor & delivery that we could get to.  Because of Illinois' stupid laws about CPMs assisting home births, she couldn't go with us, so instead her assistant met us there and acted as our doula.  Justin and I were in a kind of fog on the way up there... all I could think about was "What's happening?"  This turn of events threw me off - I wasn't prepared to deal with a hospital, especially after all the work I'd done to avoid going to one!  I was worried that being in that environment would cause my labor to slow down even more, or stop, which wouldn't be good since my water had already broken.  I tried to remain calm and think positive - we'd go in there, get electronic fetal monitoring done, find out what the problem is, find out there ISN'T a problem, and come home.  Everything would be fine!

We were pleasantly surprised when we entered Emergency - the receptionist (or whatever his title was) didn't give us any trouble when we said we were planning a home birth but our midwife detected a decel in his heart rate during contractions so we wanted electronic fetal monitoring.  He kindly sent us to outpatient registration and off we went.  Whew!  I was braced for an argument, especially after announcing we were trying to birth at home!  Outpatient registration went well also, the woman who helped us there was also very courteous and even said that we should be able to go back home if everything looked good.  Wow!  So far so good!  Our doula met us there and was also surprised at how smoothly things were going.  We went to our room and I was hooked up to electronic fetal monitoring right away, and sure enough each contraction I had displayed a drop in his heart rate.  The nurse we had was awesome - she was 100% on our side for having a natural birth and was prepared to do what she could to help us achieve that, preferably at home!  We were totally respected with every wish we had - no interventions (besides the monitoring of course), no internal exams (which they agreed was unwise anyway since my water had broken), and anything else that came up.  I was feeling more and more relieved in our situation.  Maybe this was meant to happen to prove to me that it is possible to find people in hospitals who aren't just out for money, but instead are there to aid another human being.  Granted I did have to deal with some annoying residents who ambushed me a few times.  I took my GBS test with my midwife and therefore didn't have any paperwork on it because of the legal issue, and the residents felt it was necessary to lecture me on the dangers of being GBS positive, even after I insisted I was negative.  That was rather annoying.  But all I need to do was tell my main nurse that I would prefer not to see them in my room anymore and that was that :).

So for what seemed like hours I continued having contractions that showed a decel in Harlee's heart rate toward the end of each one, but he picked right back up again afterwards.  I tried all kinds of different positions during each contraction, but nothing seemed to help his heart rate improve.  Our doula had to get back to her little boy, so rather than leaving us there alone all night she called her friend, who happened to be our childbirth class instructor and a doula herself, to come stay with us instead.  We were so grateful for both of their support, it made such a huge difference to have someone there both for support and also as a voice of reason as we were faced with so many different questions and choices.  Both of the doulas and our midwife all were surprised at this point that nobody tried to rush me off to a c-section after seeing the heart rate decels, which was another comfort to me - the staff really was trying to honor my wishes for a natural birth.  So long as little Harlee was making good, full recoveries after each contraction, we were in the clear.

Laboring with daddy, all hooked up to monitors...

After a long night of contractions and no improvement in baby, it was looking inevitable that the home birth we had hoped for was no longer the plan, and our baby would be born at the hospital.  The staff remained respectful of our wishes, honoring the fact that we wanted little to no interventions and to have the most natural birthing experience possible, as close to the home environment we were hoping for.  Saturday was a long day, trying different positions and praying for his heart rate to pick back up.  My labor patterns had lost all consistency, yet I was dilated to a 7 later in the afternoon (I ended up agreeing to being checked - curiosity was getting the better of me as to what the progress was).  Everyone found it odd that my dilation was showing I was in active labor but I clearly wasn't according to my contraction patterns.  We discussed all kinds of different options and tried different things to get labor to pick back up.  Stimulation with a breast pump was one of them, and I did have a few more contractions but the baby wasn't handling it well.  We talked about inducing with Pitocin, but the more his heart rate decelerated the more we worried that pitocin-induced contractions would only make things worse.  We had no idea what was going on, if maybe his cord was in the way and each time I contracted it got pinched, and with my water having broken there was no cushion, but there was no way to tell.  It was getting critical too because my water had been broken for way too long.  I had no idea what to expect next, but the staff continued to work with us and stay within our wishes to keep things natural and non-invasive, but at this point I was more than willing to sacrifice my wishes for the safety of the baby.  Our doula had stayed with us this whole time, and I can't even find words to express how grateful I am for that.  It was such a scary experience, wondering what was happening with our baby, wondering what to do next, wondering if our choices would be the right ones... All I wanted to do at several points along the way was cry... and Justin and I did quite a bit of that together.  He kept telling me all he wanted was us to be safe and healthy, all he wanted was everything to be okay.  I agreed, all I wanted was for Harlee to arrive safely, no matter how it was that he got here.  We wanted him out of me and in our arms as soon as possible - the contractions and his heart rate were scaring us more and more.  It was so hard.  We ran an ultrasound to be certain his head was down, which it was, and the staff decided to call in an older doctor that had years and years of experience and who they trusted more with a situation like this, and also trusted to help us make the right decision for what to do and honor our hopes and desires for the outcome of the birth.  He came in and talked with us, and expressed his feelings about how a cesarean would be the ultimate last resort and we'd try what we could to help labor get into a normal pattern and get this kid out naturally.  He suggested internal fetal monitoring, and once we had a better idea of what was going on we'd decide on inducing with Pitocin again.  An epidural was suggested to me, and c-section was lingering in the back of my mind (causing more tears).  After much thought, and having wanted to avoid an epidural at all costs originally, we decided maybe it was best because I was actually fighting every hard contraction that hit me, no matter how hard I tried to relax and cope.  The mild contractions were easier to relax through, and those were the ones that didn't show much of a heart rate decel.  So I decided an epidural would ensure relaxation during contractions and possibly give my baby a chance to recover.  So I got one, and it totally sucked.  I hated that thing, everything about getting it and everything about having it in.  If everything were going normal I would have much rather dealt with labor all the way to the birth rather than be numbed to it.  But once it took effect, I was able to relax during contractions, and that at least eased my mind for my baby's sake.  Next came the internal monitor, first inserting the probe into his head (which I felt SO. BAD. about, poor little guy jammed his foot into my ribs when it was inserted) and then the monitor in next to him.  This gave us a much more accurate reading, and after a few more contractions that I didn't feel, the doctor said he couldn't, in good conscience, allow me to be put on pitocin.  The baby was not doing well at all with contractions, even with me relaxed during them, and it was taking longer and longer for him to recover after each one.  I finally said out loud I'll do anything to get him out asap so he's not suffering anymore, I was sincerely concerned about him and had been the whole day, and I admitted that I'll even do a c-section if we had exhausted all other options, just so long as he's safe.  Turns out that's what had to be done, we had truly exhausted all our options, and nobody felt comfortable letting it go on any longer.  That was pretty scary, and Justin and I cried even more together before I was taken away to get prepped.  I was in such a fog, I NEVER imagined I would have wound up where I was then, but I was so grateful everyone worked with me so closely and diligently to try to achieve a safe vaginal birth.  I felt that this truly was the best option for us, and despite the fact that this was the last thing I ever wanted for my baby or myself, I could at least be at peace that we really had no other choice and we did the right thing, and I wouldn't have to ever wonder "what if?".

Justin stayed with me through the whole thing.  I was still in such a fog about it all that I was actually in a perfect state of mind to stay distracted from what was happening.  I felt the tugging and pulling, and once the doctor got his hands on the baby he announced that there was no way he'd be coming through naturally if we tried, his head was in such an awkward, crooked position.  Seemed as though the decelerated heart rate was due to the contractions shoving his head into my pelvis in all the wrong ways, and with no fluid to cushion the blow.  Poor little guy!   I felt the weight lifted from me as they pulled our little guy into the world, and I forgot about everything that had happened and everything we went through once I heard his first miraculous little cry.  That was a truly incredible feeling.  He was okay!  And he was finally here!  What a relief.

 Little Harlee and his poor little head...

They showed him to me right away, and Justin stayed with him as they took him to get cleaned up and checked on.  They respected our wishes to not give him any eye ointment, but we did agree to the vitamin K shot after all the stress his head went through.  He didn't get any other shots, and they asked us before they did anything else like weighing and measuring him, which we also agreed to but I greatly appreciated that they bothered to ask our permission for something as simple as that.  The room they did this in was wide open for me to watch everything that was going on.  They made it fun for us, and also distracted me as the doctors put me back together, asking us to guess his weight and length.  Harlee Dennis Papenberg weighed 7lbs 6oz, and was 20.5 inches long, born at 7:31pm (which adds up to 11, our lucky number...).  Justin brought him over to me, and I got to give him his first kisses.  It wasn't how I had hoped to greet him into this world, but it was still amazing and special.  He was beautiful, and perfect, and HERE, safe and healthy.

Eyes open for the first time

Our Family

Finally I was finished and got wheeled back to our room where our doula finally got the relieving news that everything was okay, and I got to feed him for the first time (which was awkward with the lower half of my body being completely numb...).  But despite the numbness and awkward positioning, he latched on like a pro after a little help from our doula and made me feel like I knew exactly what I was doing!  Yay!  So proud of little Harlee :).  It felt great to be so successful with feeding him - after our natural birth plans completely fell through I was definitely bummed that I didn't get to experience something my body was built to do, even though I'd accepted the fact that there was no way around this.  Being able to feed my baby the way nature intended definitely helped make up for some of that feeling of loss.

Unfortunately we had to stay at the hospital for quite some time to make sure I healed and recovered well.  The doctor was concerned about possible infections because my water had been broken for so long, too, so I was monitored for that as well.  Seemed as though everything was fine until Monday the 25th, the day we were going to be discharged, when I spiked a fever.  We went back and forth wondering if maybe my milk was coming in, or maybe it was just my hormones trying to balance out after everything that happened, but ultimately we decided better to be safe than sorry and they put me on antibiotics and kept me for another day.  Luckily these didn't interfere with breastfeeding, so I was able to continue on with that.  My fever went away since that afternoon, but it spiked again at night, so we all agreed that okay, something's up.  The doctor came in Tuesday morning and said he feels it's endometriitis, an infection of the uterine wall, caused by bacteria being introduced to it after my water had been broken.  Thank goodness Harlee didn't have any trouble, I'd rather this be me than him.  Unfortunately my fever spiked again Tuesday evening, so I was stuck there for ANOTHER 24 hours.  Wednesday I was a completely hormonal and emotional wreck.  I spent the majority of the morning and afternoon crying.  I was just so overwhelmed with everything, but my main issue was not being able to just go home.  I wanted to settle in with my family in my own environment without any interruptions from doctors or nurses and just start life as the three of us.  As if by some odd twist of fate my doctor sent in a woman to talk to me, who happened to be a Healing Touch and Reiki practitioner, and she used some of her energy work techniques to help ease my stress, which helped out a lot and also renewed my faith that everything is going to be okay.

So that's pretty much my birth story - not at all the story I thought I'd be telling.  I'll admit I did and still do mourn the fact that I missed out on experiencing birth the way nature intended, especially after building up so much excitement about it in myself prior to the big event.  I keep wondering why, what's the reason for things to go completely opposite from how I hoped they'd go?  What kind of lesson am I supposed to pull out of this?  Or how will this experience affect my life in the future?  I believe everything happens for a reason.  But sometimes those reasons just aren't clear, and that can be very frustrating.  But I will say my experience was very humbling.  You can't plan anything, and you really have no control.  I still believe birth is natural, and I still believe it's not something that should happen in a hospital, as hospitals are meant for situations when things aren't going well or right.  And modern medicine still frustrates me, but I've seen first-hand in friends and relatives that it has its place.  But this time I guess it was my turn to experience it first-hand, and I got to be one of the cases where birth needs to happen in a hospital, because in my case something went wrong.  It totally sucks, but I'm really grateful that we were there and that Harlee was delivered safely and is healthy and doing well, which is all that matters in the end.  I'm also really grateful that we got to work with such compassionate people - I've never encountered that at any hospital before.  I guess that's another lesson I got out of this experience - there's hope for humanity in the medical field.  Not everyone is out for money and power, and it's not all about fear of lawsuits.  There really are kind, caring people out there who genuinely want to help, and I'm really grateful I ran into a group of them.


And now back to snuggling with my little man, who couldn't be more perfect and I couldn't be happier to have him in our family.  I'm so excited to be starting this new chapter in life, and I'm starting it with a completely different outlook - go with the flow and have no expectations, and be flexible!

Labor Snacks... and something to do with our massive amounts of zucchini!

I'm switching it up a bit and posting a food blog.  Yesterday was one of my first full days of maternity leave, so I decided to spend it baking rather than cleaning house like I intended... shh don't tell Justin :).  Our garden isn't doing the greatest this year because of the weather the way it's been, but our zucchini and squash plants are thriving and spewing out fruits the size of my leg overnight.

I decided to make bread and muffins, a) because I love it, and b) because I figured it would make great labor snacks for me and also for Justin and our midwives.  I read in a few different places that a woman in labor burns an amount of calories equivalent to a fifty-mile hike.  Yikes!  Yeah, I think I'm gonna need some nourishment during this event.  Why a lot of hospitals don't let laboring women eat or drink is beyond me...  But that's beside the point!

So I got creative with a recipe I found online and changed it up so much that I now feel comfortable calling it my own.  So I decided to share it with you, horray!

Jami's Zucchini Muffins

Ingredients:
3 cups flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp baking powder
1 tbsp cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg
3 eggs
1 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
3 tsp vanilla extract
1 tbsp honey
1 cup vegetable oil
3 cups grated zucchini
  ~optional:
1-2 cup(s) chocolate chips (I prefer Ghiradelli, mmmm)
     or
2 cup(s) chopped walnuts or pecans
     or
1-2 cup(s) mix of raisins, dried cranberries, dried cherries, granola, nuts of your choice  (I had a bag of "Energy Trail Mix" at home that had all these things in it and I decided to throw it into a batch of muffins.  Fortunately it ended up tasting great!)

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees
2. Sift together flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, and nutmeg.
3. Beat eggs.  Add and mix well sugars, vanilla, honey, and oil.  Add zucchini to the wet ingredients.  4. Add the dry ingredients and mix well.  Stir in your choice of optional ingredients - my favorite are the chocolate chips and pecans!
5. Pour into non-stick muffin cups or mini loaf pans.  Bake for 30 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the middle comes out clean.  Mine actually are done in about 20-25 minutes, but that's because my oven runs hot.  The mini loaves usually take longer, but I haven't really gauged the time yet, I just keep my eye on them until I can stick a knife in and pull it out clean.
Enjoy!


... or Step 6, go into labor, and eat them all!  Well, I haven't followed that step yet, but hopefully it's just around the corner.  And I probably shouldn't eat them all, since I have over three dozen muffins and about 8 loaves already.  And about 10 more zucchinis/squashes to do something with.  By the way, smooth yellow squash is interchangeable with the green zucchini, so if you have more of one or the other either one works in the bread.

That's all for now, happy baking!

We're in the Home Stretch!

Well, yesterday marked exactly one month til the due date... I can't believe how quickly this flew by!  I remember before I got pregnant I would say things like these would be the slowest nine months of my life because I would absolutely hate it and I'd make the worst pregnant person ever.  I'm so glad I was wrong!  It turned out to be a lot easier than I thought, and in some ways kinda fun!  I haven't let it hinder my lifestyle too much - it's really hard not being able to do simple things like pick something up off the floor or lift/move large objects, but other than that I've gone to my fair share of wedding receptions and danced all night, I've still gone out with friends and had some great times, and still been my same old self for the most part.  It's odd though because while I feel I haven't changed that much, there are still some of those friends that have just completely vanished from my life since I got pregnant... but I've learned from other "pregos" and new mamas that that happens to all of us - you really do learn who your true friends are.  Somehow I'm okay with it... I've gotten to the point where nothing is more important to me than my new family now.

So pregnancy isn't a bad experience after all, but there are those who have told me I'm going to miss it when it's over.  I'm beginning to find that oddly enough I'm a minority in thinking that's crazy, how could I miss this?  While these past eight months have been fairly easy for me, I can't see myself missing not being able to lean forward or bend down comfortably, walk comfortably, lift things, the swollen feet, the swollen EVERYthing, this large protrusion in the way of everything I try to reach for, getting easily exhausted, not being able to lay on my belly, having to pee all the time, etc., etc., etc.... Yeah, I am to the point where I can honestly say I'm done doing this now.  It's been an amazing journey and an incredible learning experience, but I'm kinda worn out.  And I can relate to those that say they love being pregnant, but I can't understand missing it... I don't believe you!! haha :)  But, regardless, I am taking into consideration the words of the people who say they do miss it, and I'm trying to savor these final days of pregnancy rather than complain about them too much.  I'm especially savoring all his kicking and stretching and wiggling, as that is definitely a very cool experience, and might possibly be the ONLY part I might find myself "missing" when it's over.  But it's just going to be so much cooler to WATCH him kicking and stretching and wiggling on the outside, though! :)

Since Father's Day is this Sunday I wanted to give a little shout-out to dads too.  Those of us gals who are able to say their children have a good one are truly blessed!  I'm including myself in that category for sure, heck I'll run for president of the Wives with Husbands who are Great Dads Club!  Harlee isn't even technically here yet and Justin has already proven to be an awesome dad.  I can't get over how fortunate I am...  It's fun to hear different people's remarks about how Justin might just have more of a "pregnancy glow" than I do, and how he's just so excited and whips out ultrasound pictures every chance he gets everywhere he goes, and all the other good things people have to say about him whenever they run into him out and about.  And it's true at home too.  He's been so involved in this journey with me every step of the way, it's like I truly got to share this pregnancy with him and it was a team effort, rather than just me doing all the work.  I think that's one of the major reasons I've enjoyed being pregnant, too.  At first, before I really wrapped my head around everything, I was kinda bitter that we women really get the "shaft" - we have to alter our lifestyles, our bodies have to change drastically, our hormones have to be thrown completely out of whack, and what do men have to do?  Sit back and watch and continue on as normal.  Well I quickly found out that Justin wasn't just going to sit back and watch.  Heck, he's even got some of his own stretch marks on his "sympathy belly" to match mine! :)  Thanks to him, my mindset quickly shifted into a more positive one, and I've been able to look at this as the incredible journey that it is, and consider myself lucky that I get to embark on it, rather than continue to feel bitter about it.  I'm definitely very blessed to have such a fantastic partner, and Harlee and any future sibling he may have is very blessed to have him as a daddy.  He's planning on taking at least two weeks off from work after Harlee is born to stay home and help out, and while I'm bracing myself for these to be the hardest weeks of my life as we adjust to caring for a newborn, I'm still really looking forward to them.  It'll just be another step in the journey, another chapter in our book, and another opportunity for me to step back and look at my life and say, yes, I'm really lucky.  And to all you women who can relate to what I'm saying, high five!  We sure know how to pick 'em! :) ♥

Taking Responsibility

So I'm sitting here on the couch watching Harlee squirm and stretch from the inside, daydreaming about the day he'll be doing that on the outside, wondering what he'll look like and sound like and feel like in my arms...  I can't believe the due date is only 7 weeks away!!  And he could even arrive sooner than that!  I've read statistics that pregnant women who take Juice Plus throughout their pregnancy as their prenatal "vitamins" usually always carry their babies to term, meaning 37-40 weeks, and usually not any later.  I've been taking it regularly, and loving it too I must say - I really believe I owe my easy, healthy pregnancy to it!  I'm considering getting into selling it too, but that'll come later on... I've got way too many other things to think about!  Like the arrival of this child and the fact that 7 weeks is not a lot of time, especially considering that it could be less than that.  I also read that women who get regular chiropractic adjustments throughout pregnancy usually don't wind up carrying late either.  Well I've been going weekly since January, and I really think that's contributing to how good I feel too!  Harlee's head down and ready to go, so my fears of him being breech are at ease.  I'm also excited because I've learned that the spinal nerves that feed the uterus have the chance to be much more open and functioning at their best when the vertebrae surrounding them are in proper alignment, resulting in quicker, easier labors.  Horray!  I really hope that holds true!

I read an awesome line from Painless Childbirth by Guiditta Tornetta that I want to share:

     God would not have made you capable of bringing into this world a child if the only way to do it was through excruciating pain.  Birth is our Divine right; it is the one moment when every woman becomes one with the Creator.  Focusing on this oneness with God in any occasion will allow the sensation of pain to dissipate because there can't be pain where God is.

How beautiful is that?  It just gave me that much more confidence that yes, of course I can do this!  Anyone can do this!  We were created to do this!  And I'm honored to have the opportunity to experience it in its fullest.

Last night Justin and I did our homework for our childbirth class, Naturally Prepared, which is a class designed for parents planning an out-of-hospital birth.  I love this class because we don't focus on what drugs are available or talk about any hospital procedures, instead we get an education on the hormones that are at work in a laboring body and the muscles responding to them and different ways to work together as partners to birth our baby easily and smoothly.  I'm so blessed to have found this class.  And as I was saying, we have homework each week, which has become an excellent bonding experience for Justin and I, giving us the chance to talk about our expectations and desires and even fears (sure beats sitting in front of the TV watching the Outdoor Channel!!).  This week our homework was to watch Orgasmic Birth, a documentary on women who have transcended the element of pain in their birthing experience, and why that's possible.  You probably just read that title and said, "Oh my, what a bold title for a documentary..." or something to that effect.  Or at least that's how I responded when I first heard about it!  "Orgasmic" birth?  That might be a bit over the top!  But no, it was actually very beautifully put together, and talked about how your baby should be birthed into the world the same way he or she was created - in privacy, quiet, dimmed lights, an intimate and loving setting with just you and your partner, and only accompanied by people you feel comfortable with and trust to assist you in this journey, with no interruptions.  While watching this Justin and I felt, once again, so grateful to know that this is the exact setting we're going to be able to have for the birth of Harlee.  Specialists were interviewed and talked about how important it is to NOT have interruptions, and they shared their knowledge about the human body, and how a laboring woman needs to be left to be in her "zone" so that her body can do the work it needs to do.  She needs to be allowed to take her time, and reach her destination at her own pace.  At a hospital, you have constant interruptions, fetal monitoring, questions being asked, your cervix being checked, your vitals being monitored, and for some reason a time limit on everything - some hospitals are a little more lenient with how long a woman is in labor, but some are ready to administer drugs to speed things up after only ten hours!  That seems a bit hasty...  The movie then showed a few hospital births, one that resulted in an epidural and the other resulted in a c-section.  It was so frustrating watching these women just surrender to the doctors.  "Well, the doctor says this is what's best for my baby, and I want to do what's best for my baby."  Did she not once stop to think, wait a minute, I've carried this baby in me for nine months, certainly I'M the only who knows what's best for my baby?  Women aren't given the chance to allow their intuition to do the job it was meant to do, and by God we most certainly have an intuition!  I can't imagine where I'd be if I hadn't been tuned into mine all along...  And we ALL have it!  It's a powerful tool that's going to assist us through the rest of this child's life, why not use it from the very beginning?  That's another thing that frustrated me - we are responsible for the children we carry and raise.  I am responsible for Harlee, as he is my son.  I will see to it that he is fed healthy meals, that he gets proper exercise, that he has clothes on his back and a roof over his head, a tub to bathe in and good role models to learn from.  He is my responsibility from now until the next eighteen years of his life.  Shouldn't I take full responsibility for him in these nine months?  Of course!  I chose not to drink alcohol, I don't mess with drugs anyway but I also avoided any pharmaceutical drugs, I did my best to eat healthy and exercise, and like I said I've been seeing a chiropractor and also getting regular prenatal massages.  Everything I do reflects on him, everything I consume he consumes.  I am directly responsible for his well-being right now as he is growing inside me.  So when he is born, am I not responsible for that critical moment of his life too?  Shouldn't I continue to avoid drugs?  Shouldn't I be completely and totally tuned into my body to know what's best for him and his safe arrival?  This is not the time to relinquish my control of the situation to any "medical professionals" that think they know what's best for me or my child!  Certainly they are good to have there if a complication arises, and I hope to have someone I can trust make the right decisions if I am faced with a complication, but while everything is flowing smoothly, I will labor as long as Harlee needs to make his entrance, I will continue to choose not to put drugs in my body as I did throughout these 9 months with him because he is still part of me and will also feel the effects of those drugs, contrary to most beliefs., and I will make sure he enters into a joyful environment and remains in the safety of his parents' arms immediately after his birth and for as long as he needs to be there afterwards.  I apologize for getting on my soap box about the drug thing, that's probably a controversial subject, but from what I learned I just can't imagine numbing myself at a time when I need these sensory nerves to be functioning at their best!  It's like the doctor on Orgasmic Birth said - if you numbed your feet, and then were expected to walk, it's going to become a very difficult journey for you!  That's exactly what's going on here - you're on a journey, how are you going to reach your destination smoothly if you're numb to the experience?

One last thing.  Now that word is getting out about our decision to have an out-of-hospital birth, a lot of people are asking me and Justin the same questions - "What if something goes wrong?"  Well, if that happens, we'll be transferred to a hospital.  But odds are for us that nothing will go wrong.  Statistics show that when left to have a completely natural birth, only 10% of women have any sort of complications during it that would require a hospital's attention.  But unfortunately those other 90% of women are birthing in hospitals to begin with, where they are constantly being checked, interrupted, asked questions, and due to all of that their labor is slowed down, which then results in doctors wanting to administer drugs to speed things up, and then a vicious cycle has begun, because the drugs to speed things up make everything more painful, and therefore mom wants an epidural, and after so many drugs and so much time, the baby goes into fetal distress and then it's time for an emergency c-section.  Sadly, then, mom and dad say "Oh thank God we were at the hospital, our baby would have died if we hadn't been!" when in fact it was the hospital that created the problem in the first place.  So that being said, I firmly believe we won't have any trouble.  And if I happen to be one of the 10% of women who do wind up with some sort of complication, I will still take full responsibility for the decisions that are made for me and my baby's well-being at the hospital.  As well any mother should.

Alright, I feel good having gotten that out!  I know I can get very opinionated so hopefully nobody takes anything personally - I'm just trying to provide a bit of an education to anyone who is embarking on the beautiful journey of bringing another human life into the world.  And hopefully inspire people to embrace what their bodies are designed to do, and to do it beautifully! :)

That's right folks, our little guy will NOT be born in a hospital!

Yep, you heard me right.  Harlee Dennis Papenberg will be entering into a safe, warm, comforting environment free of drugs, strangers' hands, bright lights, or any kind of medical interventions.  The first hands to touch him will be his mom and dad's, and their skin will be the main surface he'll be in contact with for the first hours of his life outside the womb.  Nothing will be rubbed into his eyes, his heels will not be pricked, he'll be left completely in the care of his parents, and our privacy will be respected as we settle in as a family.

I am so excited I could just jump up and down... if jumping up and down were a comfortable thing to do right now!  So just pretend :)

If you've read my previous posts, you've joined me a little bit on my journey of frustration with modern medicine, doctors offices, rude nurses, and unnecessary routines.  Plus listened to, if not shared in, my frustration of being treated like a number and a medical patient rather than a woman experiencing one of the most life-changing, pivotal transformations in her existence - which happens to be a completely natural course of events rather than a medical situation.

I've questioned for awhile why babies need to be born in hospitals.  Babies who have no real issues that need to be addressed, being born to mothers who are, for the most part, healthy.  Aren't hospitals for sick people?  Or broken people?  Or dying people?  I'm not sick or broken and I'm certainly not dying...  And according to this rambunctious fetus in me, he's certainly not sick or dying either.  Hasn't birth been a natural part of, well, nature, since the dawn of humanity?  That was, like, millions of years ago!  I'm pretty sure there weren't hospitals back then... and I'm pretty sure birthing a baby now is the same as birthing a baby was millions of years ago.  Except now we know a little more about what's going on in that ever growing belly we pregnant women sport for nine months.

And since that information is available, I decided to get my hands on it.  What is going on inside of me, exactly?  And why is it all of a sudden necessary to have a baby in an environment where people normally go to get cured or fixed of some problem, when having a baby is not something that needs to be cured or fixed because it's really not a problem?  The human race made it this far, and it started millions of years ago by women birthing the next generations into existence, and doing so in caves and fields, and then after that in the comfort of their own homes.  Obviously those births worked just fine by not happening in a hospital, otherwise, well, we wouldn't be here today would we?

Thank goodness for modern medicine in a lot of cases, yes - I've seen first hand that not all pregnancies and births can be perfect, and sometimes things go wrong and women are faced with situations where having the availability of a good hospital and knowledgeable doctors is a true blessing.  But that's just when hospitals are necessary - when things go wrong.  Birth, in its true, natural form, is not wrong.  The human race's increased knowledge is also a true blessing, because unlike our ancestors who started out by having their mothers or members of their community being the only people there to assist a birth, we now have people who specialize in this truly amazing experience, who know what's going on in the human body and how to handle any minor complications that may arise, and can provide trustworthy assistance through the whole experience.  "But isn't that a doctor?" you might ask.  Sure, doctors are knowledgeable, but the problem with doctors is that most of them forget that this is a very personal , life-changing experience for the woman and the family, and they also have gotten to a point where their fear of lawsuits is greater than their desire to give the pregnant woman the personal experience she deserves and desires.  As you've read, I experienced this first-hand, and a lot of other people have in some way too, I'm sure.  My biggest problem with doctors is that the whole person is not being treated.  Just the "issue" at hand in its physical form.  The whole person includes the spirit and emotions and mentality of this person too, not just what they're physically experiencing.  And so many doctors use their scare tactics - "Oh, better get the H1N1 vaccine, women have died or lost their babies because of the flu!" or "We need to issue this test, even though you don't show any signs or symptoms of having what we're testing you for, because if you DO have it your baby could die!"  blah blah blah.  Does hearing this crap really make you feel good?  It doesn't make me feel good.  Aren't we supposed to make this a happy event, and stay positive the whole way through?  I want to, apparently I'm alone in this for some reason...

So rather than a doctor, I wanted a midwife.  As you know, I found a group practicing in Maryville.  Unfortunately they're all affiliated with Anderson Hospital and work under supervision of the OB-GYNs up there, so in essence I'm still having to go to a doctor and birth my baby in a hospital.  Only plus-side is that the midwife was the kind of person who was supportive of the natural course of events a birth takes, because it's a natural event.  But knowing that there were other people I'd have to deal with, coming in and out of the room while I'm trying to manage labor, with attitudes like the nurse had that I dealt with during the GTT incident, I wasn't satisfied.

Also, I got a bit of an education, because of another question I had.  Why is it that so many women I know went into their pregnancy and then into labor saying "I want to do this drug-free, I want the experience of a natural childbirth, I'm going to avoid the epidural!" and ultimately end up getting it, or worse, rushed into a c-section?  Why aren't they able to keep to their word?  What was the final breaking point?  What do I need to do differently so that I CAN stay true to my word and have a natural childbirth?

So this is what I learned: being in a comfortable environment makes a world of difference.  Going into labor with a positive attitude and a trust that everything is going to go well and knowing that this will pass, and when it does you will have your new bundle of joy in your arms and everything you experienced will be worth it, can really help make labor smooth.  The hormones coursing through you to create contractions are free to flow, and the process is able to continue on.  Enter any stress hormones into the picture, and they actually counteract the job the labor hormones are supposed to be doing.  These stress hormones can come from fears you may have, or doctors and nurses bustling around ruining your focus on breathing through contractions or saying things that bring about fears or discomforts, or even routine exams or fetal monitoring or anything else happening to clutter up a what should be peaceful environment.  Labor can slow to an excruciating crawl if mom doesn't feel content and at peace!  This is usually when doctors want to administer Pitocin to speed things up a bit, and where you're faced with a choice of either going back on your word of wanting to have a drug-free birth, or go ahead and take it so you can "speed things up".  Well really this just creates a lot of unnatural contractions.  Your body falls out of sync, and this isn't the greatest thing to do to your baby, either.  If your cervix isn't ready to open, these contractions are going to be very painful.  This is usually when the epidural happens.  And the epidural slows everything down.  Not to mention, these drugs ARE going into your baby's body - that placenta is still in-tact and while it's still there doing its job, anything going into mom can go into baby.  And I've been told all throughout my pregnancy to avoid drugs..... I'm still not entirely sure why they're okay at this point, but whatever.  That's just my opinion.   So now you need more Pitocin to get things speeding along again, and this is usually when you see a lot of fetal distress happening, or changes in mom's blood pressure, and things still aren't moving along fast enough, and when this happens, doctors like to suggest c-section.  And it's labeled "Failure to Progress".

So, after reading this in multiple places, I realized if I want to achieve a natural birth, I need to be content in my environment.  I know that's not going to happen in a hospital!  I don't want to deal with nurses and doctors coming in and out, and I especially don't want to have to worry about arguing with any of them if they decide to do something that I feel is unnecessary.  Besides, hospitals remind me of all the times I've been there to visit people who weren't well, and I don't want those memories associated with the ones I'm creating of my child's birth.  And on top of that, I've had enough bad experiences with doctor's that I can't say I completely trust them, and I would be nervous being in their "care" throughout my birthing experience.  This is a personal feeling, though - just a little something extra to feed my fire.

So we found a group of midwives in St. Louis that specialize in home births.  Since home births are illegal in Illinois, we'll be traveling to a birthing facility they have set up across the river for people in similar situations as me, which is equipped with all the necessary amenities anyone would need for any possible complication that could arise.

Peace of mind at last!!  These women share in all my beliefs and feelings about birth, have seen for themselves how interruptions and the hustle and bustle of hospitals can bring labors to a screeching halt, and treat me like a real person with real feelings rather than a "patient".

My favorite aspect of this whole thing:  Making the baby was an intimate, private experience, so birthing the baby should be an intimate, private experience as well.

How true.  And how beautiful, to have the privilege of experiencing it this way.  I am the only person I know at this point who can say I am truly excited to experience labor and birth.  I don't expect it to be a breeze, of course, but I am definitely ready to embrace what my body is capable of doing, and was built to do.

Modern "Medicine"

med·i·cine  (md-sn)n.1.

a. The science of diagnosing, treating, or preventing disease and other damage to the body or mind.

Just in case you were wondering.  I think the medical field needs to change its name, because nowhere does it say "treating symptoms because we're too lazy to dig deep enough to find the underlying problem".  Plus they're kind of going against the last part - "preventing ... other damage to the body or mind".  I dunno, maybe I'm the only one that hears the fast-talking voice at the end of the commercials talking about all the side-effects that sound to me like they're worse than the original problem.  Or maybe I'm the only one who can ignore the smiling happy faces of the asthmatics who can now breathe or the insomniacs who can now sleep and hear them mention all the horrible things that could also happen to you while taking this drug...  I don't get it :-(.

I'm a little upset right now.  Well, maybe a lot upset, but I don't want to make myself sound TOO crazy...  I've suppressed quite a bit of emotions about the medical field for many many years (letting out some of my angst to like-minded people, but preaching to the choir never got anyone very far so that's probably why I never feel any better).  I'm not asking anyone to agree with me, but I do want to get some gears turning in some minds at least.

I got off the phone with the doctor's office I'm seeing for all my wonderful prenatal stuff.  First of all I couldn't talk to my midwife, because according to the OB nurse I talked to they don't take personal phone calls...  WTF?  I'm seeing her for my personal pregnancy and my personal child and my personal business, so why can't she answer my personal questions?  Off to a great start.  So I asked her my question.  Is the glucose tolerance test mandatory?  I was told I'd have to take it at my next visit to screen for gestational diabetes.  Now, I'm totally not opposed to being tested for that.  I have no reason to believe I have it, but I understand the risks and complications that come along with having it so I'm open to being tested to be on the safe side.  What I am opposed to, though, is consuming a 300+ calorie substance consisting of primarily of corn syrup that I KNOW will make me sick, because I know my body and that's how it reacts to mass quantities of sugar.  Plus, I like to have control over what I consume.  If I CHOOSE to eat a blizzard from Dairy Queen, that's my choice to put that sugar in me, I know what I'm doing, and I understand I will have the jitters for several hours afterward in exchange for a few minutes of guilty pleasure.  I'm not choosing to drink this crap they "need" me to drink for the test, and I'm kinda angry that I'm stripped of my right to choose.  And on top of that the nurse was not very friendly, saying that if I have gestational diabetes and I don't do anything about it because I don't know I have it, then my baby could DIE.  Okay lady, shall I express how angry scare tactics make me too?  And she goes on to explain that requiring it of all patients at this stage in their pregnancy is a standard of care, and they refuse to do anything substandard.  To which I said good and I appreciate that, but what about honoring my requests as a mother and a patient?  What about in the future with something I feel is truly serious, like vaccinations in infancy for example (something I refuse to partake in, let the child's immune system at least have SOME fighting chance and let it grow on its own first, I say), are my requests going to be honored then?  Drinking this substance is not going to drastically harm me or my son, or at least I hope it won't, rather it'll just make me sick and possibly make him jittery to, but we're down to principle now.  I'm offended that my requests are not going to be honored, and that my feelings are not going to be taken into account.  There are other ways to test for diabetes, do a little homework and figure that out!

What annoys me too is that I'm one of very very few people who actually bother to question these things.  I might go overboard with some things, but I take comfort in knowing that my health and well-being are completely in my hands.  I do research, I do my homework, I learn things.  I will not blindly trust a person in a labcoat.  I'll take their suggestions as guidance and apply it to my personal situation.  How can you completely trust doctors?  Their knowledge comes from text books and personal case studies, but you are an individual, not a text book or the person they just saw last week.  Your needs and health and body as a whole are different from the rest of the patients they see.  And only you can know what's best for your body.  Your doctor can suggest things, knowing it worked in the past, but only you can be certain it's the best idea.  I wish more people knew how to trust their intuition.  And better yet I wish more people would educate themselves before blindly trusting or following.

This is why I got into the field I got into, massage therapy right now but in general it's wellness, as I will be expanding further with and away from massage therapy in the future.  Alternative wellness, non-invasive care, completely natural healing techniques.  And even in my practice I understand that the tight neck muscles in the person I'm treating now could be caused by things entirely different than the person with tight neck muscles I saw last week.  And I encourage my clients to guide me - if the pressure is too much, if pain is caused what kind it is, and how they feel about a technique I may be using.  I don't know because I'm not you, only you know these things.  I'm just facilitating the healing.  It's your body getting better, I'm just encouraging it to get there!

Alright I guess I feel a little better.  Again, these are my personal feelings, I don't ask anyone to agree with my choices or do what I do, I just ask that you take the extra time to learn and know what's best for your body as an individual, to trust your intuition, and to educate yourself before jumping right into following a request from your doctor or health care provider.

It's a BOY!!

This is so late, I know.  So much for starting a blog and thinking I was going to write in it like once a week.  Maybe I'll do better in the future!  I can only try...  But yes, Thursday the 24th of February we found out that little Peanut (who certainly is no "peanut" anymore!) is indeed a BOY!!  I would say we were thrilled, but of course we would have been thrilled either way.  But I guess there are different kinds of emotions that come with it either being a boy or a girl, so we just had lots of happy emotions about our little boy :).

I was so eager to get that ultrasound started, and Kelly, the nurse-midwife taking care of us for the ultrasound, was great with it, jokingly saying "So I shouldn't try to find the sex until after I've done all the measurements and everything, right?" after we came in there saying "WE WANT TO FIND OUT!!!"  She made the experience fun, and explained all the different measurements she was taking.  It was amazing all the different things you can see - she measured his brain, his heart, his blood flow and heart rate, and all kinds of other things I can't even really remember.  He was 12oz at that visit, which was a little big for being about 20 weeks along...  And the image was so clear, we could count all his fingers and toes right there on the screen!  He's a little contortionist too - his whole body was completely folded in half, with his knees up in his chest and his feet wrapped over his head.  But, after much searching, Kelly revealed this image:

That would definitely be little boy parts!  Before Kelly said anything Justin shouts, "Is that a BOY!!??"  And Kelly said, "I'd say so!  No mistaking that!"  For those of you wondering, this is a view looking right at his little butt, one leg stretched out and the other bent.  I don't think that's a finger!  Here's a little profile picture so you can see a little more than just his little boy junk :) :

We're naming him Harlee Dennis.  Here's why:  Dennis was definitely decided as the middle name, after Justin's late father, and after some thought and multiple disagreements on boy names, Justin suggested, "Let's pick something that starts with an H, so his initials would be 'HD' like Harley-Davidson!"  Oh boy, I thought, of course he wants to name the poor kid after our hobby...  And what H names are there that we like and/or haven't been used by someone we know?  Not many...  Until we both said, "Well, why not Harley?"  And it turns out we actually both liked it.  We tossed the thought around a little more, wondering if naming our kid after our pastime and our bike was really a good idea, but we really liked it and couldn't agree on anything else!  So Harley it was.  But then spelling was the next question.  I'm Jami, which is commonly spelled Jamie, and I kind of like having something different like that.  It's been frustrating at times, but all in all I really like having something a little unique about my name.  Then we got to thinking, Harlee would be kind of neat, and doesn't seem to lose its masculinity by being spelled differently, and then the light bulb went off - ending it in "lee" is perfect, because Justin's middle name is Lee!  And that was that, Harlee Dennis was decided and agreed upon :).

As for finding out the gender... I shared some thoughts in my last post and got some great comments from people on the subject, but I want to go into it a little more now that we DID find out.  I am SO GLAD we did!!!  I've been told I'm crazy, I'm ruining it, I'm spoiling the surprise, but these comments must be coming from people who haven't had the joy of experiencing it first hand.  My mom even said it's like knowing what your Christmas presents are before you get to open them.  I think now she would agree it's not quite like that :).  As one friend commented in my last post and many other friends have said and I agree, the surprise isn't just in the gender when he/she is born, it's in what the baby looks like, feels like, sounds like, even smells like!  And I know I can't even fathom what that experience will be like yet, as I haven't gotten there, but I'd say knowing the gender ahead of time will in no way ruin any surprises that await us.  Having him enter this world and then be in our arms for the very first time ever, holding him, feeling his energy, hearing his breath and his cries, that's where the surprise will lie.  Thinking of it that way, it doesn't seem like finding out the gender that day will even hold a candle to all those other elements.  Well, okay, maybe it would, but there are enough surprises going on that I don't think we're missing out :).

Also, as one of my good friends pointed out when I first got pregnant, you find out at the half-way point.  You're past the excitement of finding out you're pregnant and everyone's all buzzing and giddy with excitement for you, and you're too far from the excitement of the baby's birth, and when you're at that half-way point all the buzzing giddiness from everyone has pretty much died down, and life has returned to somewhat normal besides the anticipation of the birth date approaching, and here you are, the pregnant one, still trying to adjust to your new lifestyle - the extra weight load to carry that keeps getting bigger, the achy joints and muscles, fatigue, hormones still surging around (though not as bad as the first trimester, thank god!).  It's kind of nice to throw in an extra surprise right in the middle of all that, because I think we pregnant ladies need a bit of a pick-me-up!  I know I did!  Of course everyone's excited the whole 9 months, but having that buzzing, giddy energy back is indescribable.  And indeed, that energy picked up immediately as we told everyone our little BOY is still cookin and kickin away! ♥  It felt so good, it was so much fun!  And it wasn't days later that Justin's mom gave us the most ADORABLE little blue Harley-Davidson onesie set that included the outfit and all-matching blanket, bib, and best of all a little do-rag!!  Hehe!!  We've already got a little camo outfit from a friend, but that could have and would have gone either way for a boy or a girl (though it's definitely more fitting for a boy, so it's perfect!), and then my mom decided that while everyone's nurturing the hunter/biker boy, she's going to nurture his intellectual side, and got him a pair of little khaki pants, a little yellow & blue pinstriped collared onesie, and a little blue sweater vest!!  (So much for spoiling any surprises, huh Mom? ^_^)  Shortly thereafter came a little set of baby boy onesies from a friend, and another good friend got us a little onesie that says "Mommy's New Man" :-D  They all just keep getting cuter!  Okay, I digress, but what can I say, I'm excited about our little boy, and I'm so glad everyone else is too.  And yes, to the first friend I mentioned, this was a MUCH needed break in the monotony that pregnancy has fallen into, and I love all the new excitement buzzing about :).

Another thing too, is that I'm glad my instincts were right.  I had a slight feeling we'd be having a boy, but I didn't feel certain about it.  Needless to say the suspense was killing me!  It was exciting to find out I was right!  And then in response to another friend's comment last time, the bonding experience is on a new level.  Finding out we've got little Harlee Dennis cooking in there rather than just "Peanut" or "Baby P" just opened up a whole new world for me.  I felt so connected to him after that, and it felt so good to use his name when we talk to him.  It's such a warm fuzzy feeling when Justin kisses my belly in the morning and says "Bye, Harlee!" before he goes to work, and it's so fun to daydream about all the little hunting adventures they'll have, and all the things we can do with our little boy as a family.  But the bond is amazing.  It was growing little by little anyway as his flutters and kicks got stronger, but once we knew it was a boy that bond just shot up to new levels I didn't even know I could reach.  And I love that feeling.  I feel like I know when he's happy, or sleepy, or any other kinds of emotions a growing baby can have, and I feel so much stronger of a connection every time he kicks.  I love it.  Pregnancy is definitely on a whole new level now, that's for sure :)

I applaud those who wait til the end to find out, I don't know how you do it because I couldn't handle the suspense that long!  And nothing against waiting, either, my opinion is it's your baby, and it's your decision, and nobody should tell you what you should and shouldn't do.  We made the decision together to find out, and that was our decision alone, and I'm so glad we did :).  No matter what, you should always do what makes you feel good and happy!